maybe i’m way to in to astrology. maybe i’m a weirdo. maybe i just like the stars because they clarify for me, and the rest of the world, just why i am so crazy relationship obsessed.
maybe it doesn’t matter. because i am weird. i do go through phases. my mom would like to hope astrology is a phase– but i wonder how much of a phase christianity was, or alcoholism, or smoking marlboros? i mean it all could just be a phase.
just a phase.
i left for florida yesterday at noon. we stopped off at the University of Illinois to pick clara up, stayed over and then left this morning at 8:30. I’m in Atlanta right now. we are at a hotel watching HGTV and TLC and i keep wishing “what not to wear” would come on. i’m hungry as fuck, and i’m pissed.
i read a book on the trip today– an entire one. the book was a lost-love story. and it made me get all introspective. and i hate that shit, or maybe it’s everything i am. maybe i just am all introspective and shit. that may not be a phase.
but what of love? what of my love? for the time being i do not have love.
there was this guy. i think i liked him. or you know, the day before he pretty much ran away from me, was the day i realized that i did like him. the day i realized how much of an idealist i am, and how i lead people on, and how i need to be legit, and yada yada yada– it comes back and punches me in the face and i am left with nothing. because it never matters what i think. i’m obviously not dateable. not even for a boy who’s venus is in scorpio. (just look that up.) not even for those boys i supposedly “don’t give chances.” everyone gets a chance, but the key is to not know when you’re being evaluated. so why would i wait til you prove you’re a huge liar, by pretending to be everything i want? yeah. think about it.
so, right when i decide that i’m going to let this guy in, he immediately decides to back off me, and probably go fuck someone else.
and that’s why i don’t have sex, and that’s why i’m never in love, and that’s why i am a CONQUEST. and a conquest only.
yeah, it’s really cool to be 23 and single, because then everyone wants to be the one to get you. but, when they get me, they win. go them. go you. go everyone! you win. why does the whole of the male gender want me to lose?
and this is a rant. whatever. but i’m going to be going over this in my head, again, the entire time i’m here. at least i’ll come back tan. and then for a split second he might think he made the wrong choice. and then he’ll go back to fucking that other whore. because no, he doesn’t like me, even being pretty doesn’t save you from being alone. contrary to popular belief. (and it doesn’t help that my face broke out and i’m ugly as shit right now.)
i’m really this insecure? this bad at decision making? am i really not okay with anything that life has to offer?
the day i left on vacation, i went to the (nucca) chiropractor. i’ve been going to him for two years. he has always been a dick to me. this day was no exception. so needless to say, i didn’t take it. and left him without being treated. i actually argued with the man, told him he was a money monger, and walked out in a storm, and told him to treat me like i was 23. this man, is another man that has prejudged me for the past 2 years. like i’m not stressed enough realizing that the guy i like just doesn’t think i’m that great. i have to deal with this disgusting man who holds his practice out of palatine.
…and now my sister is sitting next to me and it is annoying the shit out of me and i’m gonna punch her in the face.
sometimes people say that they need a vacation. i haven’t had one for three years. i don’t think this could come soon enough. but it’s only been 2 days, i’m with my family, and i just want a cigarette and a beer.
i wonder if i promise to go to church when we come home, if they’ll let me smoke in peace.
if i believed in god, i would tell him to stop fucking with my life, and if he did create me in this way, he should probably give me what he created me to want. is that so much to ask? i want one fucking thing. one thing.
where the fuck is it?

















