to live would be an awfully big adventure.

i’m homesick. but going home is not the answer. i want five hundred more excuses to say no, but i already said yes, and i can feel my heart breaking. ben burnley has a beautiful voice. he can make me cry, but he didn’t touch me in any way tonight.

i made a few beautiful mistakes in my lifetime, but none are is big as what they made. and this is not something i signed up for, and this not anything i prepared myself for. i am not okay. though i might tell them that it’s no big deal. am i always this wrong with my words? but it’s not my place to deny love, it’s not who i am to say it’s not okay. a man and a woman can do whatever they want when it comes to love.

i am not the end all be all. i am not a voice. it’s like a bad dream, i’m running, but my legs give out, i’m screaming, but nothing but air is coming out. i’m afraid, and scared, and terrified, and too much in a state of panic to erase the redundancy i wrote just now. who am i? it’s not like i ever thought i knew in the first place. but now i’m just a nobody, AND i’m lost. should i say that i am lost in this sea of emotions? because that’s cliche. and i am not. cliche.

i am a horrible swimmer.

i thought i was on vacation, now i just want to go home. run away. run. i haven’t run away in so long. now it’s just foolish to go back to that. maybe i’ll just curl up into the fetal position, and rock myself to sleep.

there is no one here right now. i am all alone. and you haven’t called me, you haven’t cared. and maybe everyone else is right. maybe i’m a selfish child, crying for my mom to fix everything. or a stupid girl, waiting for a boy to pretend that he loves me. i’m just so tired.

and now i can’t sleep.

i wrote a post…

i liked it. but considering i’m stealing this internet, it was deleted. i hate that. i’m sorry i don’t have internet. i feel bad about it. so bad, that i won’t even text the people i’m supposed to email back, to tell them it’s impossible. because i know it’s not. i could go to panera, caribou, some other place with the wifi. but i can’t. because it feels impossible. i just want to lay low for awhile. yeah. and do what i want. i want to kiss you the way i used to. and that’s it.

white collar.

all you wanna be. is all i don’t need. but all i have, is nothing. a million, two million, three, four. maybe a little bit more. maybe a payment for my debt. and i don’t know where you went. but it’s not like i want you. but sadly i do. i have this entire vision of something so right. like the time you ran after me, wait, you’re not the type. like the princess and the seven knights. like the return of the summer, endless nights. it’s like i was so wrong, so so wrong. it’s like i’ve never left this place all along. it’s like i face planted in the ground. give me one reason to stay here, i’ll turn my back around.

in response to your status, “auntie.”

“I want to say again, I am amazed and blessed. What love, compassion, respect, structure and consistancy can do for children is such a beautiful thing. Too bad not all people agree with it. We’ve seen it first hand and we are truly blessed to have witnessed it all. We love you K, J, C, A, M and D!!! And we’re so proud of all of you!”

sometimes, looking at the big picture requires more than just small town glasses. i believe you like to stir up the pot– get angry at the people who always chose to love them first.

if you are my aunt, it’s hard to believe so. i’ve known those boys their whole lives, up until their parents moved them away from me, i love them to death, they are my blood. but for you to be this vindictive is not that of a beautiful woman, but that of someone who is unable to look inside herself, and outside her blindness, and see what has really been going on with these boys. (molestation, prison, drugs, lets go with slitting your own throat for oxycontin… i am so proud.) why are you banking on this family staying together, when their mother is a psychopath? and why are you against your husbands own blood relations who just want to see these boys get out.

you have alienated the only part of this family that can afford to love you back. she will just take. feel free to give of yourself to her, and whoever her new boyfriend is, and try and fuel a fire with a stupid status, laced with immaturity. but just don’t bother with me, i have no idea who you are, or why you pretend to care about me, or my siblings. you know what i think about you? i think you are hateful woman full of spite, ugly on the inside, as well as out, and i don’t want to know you.

oh, and you spelled consistency wrong.

creep.

you’re so fucking special. you with your love on. and for what? for everyone. and me with mine. but mine’s not okay. no. because it belongs to everyone. because if you can love my mom and dad and sister and friends and pass it along, but can’t tell me a thing, what is love? and it is absolutely adorable. you are so fucking cute.

you with your texting and your phone calls. that belong to everyone. and i was honest. but you were not. and i was happy. but you were not. and i was going somewhere with this. but you were not.

and L is for the way you look tonight. O is for the only one i see. V is very very extraordinary. E is even worse than anything that i could have ever thought of.

you were right. sort of. it was about you. it was about thinking about getting you out of my head. it was about love. it was about what’s real. it was about everything that doesn’t matter anymore.

because nothing matters. not love. not the endless desire to know what it is. nothing matters, except me. but i can’t help that you still prove yourself worthless.

plenty of fish.

a week ago, mainly a week after i broke up with my boyfriend, i decided to join a free dating website. why, you ask? to see if that is what you have to do, to find somebody willing to be in a relationship.

turns out, after two days on it, (and by two days i mean thirty minutes of checking emails from 100 random men telling me how beautiful, witty, and intelligent i was) i got off of it. it was a great confidence boost, by people who couldn’t tell me from eve.

there is a type of person who is able to internet date. a type that would rather let technology lead them to the place of happiness. but for the majority of the world, i don’t think that’s us. so what if you’re single till you’re forty? honestly, so what? what makes us think that life is all about finding the right one anyway? how about finding yourself?

i mean seriously, you think you know what you want. you think after dating two people in a couple years, you finally have that epiphany, but year after year, you don’t. it gets harder to find it. it gets harder to be content alone, but at the same time, it should get easier.

why can’t we just be happy in this relationship we have with ourselves? why i can’t i be happy with the fact that i can name fifteen people would date me if i gave them the chance? no exaggeration. you should have seen the smiles that came off the faces of men that could now pretend they had a chance since i broke up with josh.

that’s his name by the way. and for all extensive purposes, i’m not mad at him anymore. except for a couple drunk texts on both our parts, i haven’t talked to him. i would, however, like to have had that whole relationship-thing never happen. but that’s just me admitting to being someone who has regrets. yes, i’ve been wrong many times before. i was wrong this time.

i just really want to stop writing about boy/girl relationship love and get on to a love i get. a love that i have with me. my sisters. by brother. my mom and dad. my best friends that i’ve neglected- mainly because they are in relationships full of love.

to be okay with yourself, even when you’re standing on an edge that you are to afraid to jump off of– that would be something. to be okay even when you’re twenty-four, with absolutely no credit, a dead end job, and no creative outlets, except for a blog you write on the internet.

i have no fucking clue what i want. and i will never know. at least i know when i’m wrong, when i’m stupid, and when i’m so ridiculous, no one can deal with me.

i’m twenty-four. i guess that is what it took these three years to figure out,

how to be wrong.

credit cards.

i choose to believe that no matter what happens from here on out, everything will feel the same. but i know that’s not true.

things will be different. i won’t live here. i won’t wake up to see my mom. or kiss my sister goodnight.

and the fall and bonfires without a shoulder to sleep on, will make me sad, if i have time to care. and the places i go now, won’t be there later. and everything will be gone. but i know, it won’t matter. it will just happen.

and the fall. and the seasons. and it’s a new year already.

and i’m 24.

and i’m going to be alright. and still, i know, everything will be exactly the same.

time.

time.
like hours ticking by.
so fast.
like cars, i’m not allowed to drive.
because i’m a girl.
girls can’t drive.
girls can’t parallel park.
girls aren’t that funny.
they just talk a lot.
about nothing.
boys.
hairbrushes.
pastimes,
they wish they didn’t remember.
and am i a slut?
am i pretty?
am i cool enough to remember?
do you believe in me?
because right now.
it’s hard to believe in anything.
and if i made you laugh,
would you kiss me,
and make the world spin better.
would you take my breath,
and stop it dead in the cold.
i can see it now.
clouds like smoke.
i smoke.
does that make you hate me?
or just think less of me.
am i less.
less than her?
less than three?
i want it all.
but suddenly i can’t have anything.
nothing.
is the only way to be happy.
and that’s what i need.
i’m afraid of the future.
the stars don’t help.
and the sun in the twelfth.
it was about as evil as i thought.
and it didn’t take you long.
took you less time then it took them.
over.
so done.
and i’m not worried anymore.
but that could change tomorrow.
and maybe tomorrow.
maybe tomorrow,
i’ll grow up.
i’ll be famous.
i’ll make you miss me.
and i’ll find that what i had,
is not what i want.
and i’ll find,
that romance is not dead.
but i won’t need to search.
it will find me.
right here.
tired.
alone.
smiling.
at the cloudy sky.
that is my home until the night.
when the lights turn on.
and i am happy
in my dreams.
don’t wake up.
don’t wake up.
don’t walk away.
you’ll miss this.
i saw your face.
and i forgot who you were.
just a distant memory.
fading away.
with the others.
and love.
love makes this faster.
helps the time pass.
without it,
there’d be no greater life.
there’d be nothing left.
but,
time.

bastards and staralfur.

it’s weird what happens when you break up with someone. everyone has something to say. they ask you how you are. they make you tell the details. they ask your friends. they mention they saw the breakup on facebook. i am so detailed out. i just want it gone. and it hasn’t even been a week.

through the recent years of my life, i have been told that i am too good for any man. never, on any circumstance, has anyone told me what was too good for me– if they did, i wouldn’t believe it. because deep down in my core, i’m not that insecure. in fact, i believe there are not a lot of people out there, better than me.

someone told me that catherine zeta jones was beautiful, and i thought, well, with age, i’ll end up a little more attractive.

i don’t think i’m a phenomenal writer or artist, but i think i’m better than most people. i don’t think i’m particularly honest, vulnerable, or trusting, but i’ve got it when it counts.

some people have told me that i’m too smart for mankind. and some have told me that i’m too shallow. some men have never given me the chance, and some i’ve never given the chance. men will tell me that i will be alone forever. others have told me i will find it, and i will be in love forever. some men think i’m crazy and that’s it. some men think i’m amazing, and i that deserve better. some men think they can give it to me, other men, know they can’t. those men run away before i can see their downfall. i always see it though, no can give me everything i need. i just get sick of being without a hand to hold, so i take it.

the thing that i don’t understand about males, is that somehow, a man will make you believe that all problems are your fault, and then, make you feel as though you owe them an apology. whether or not it was your heart, or theirs that was broken. and you give them that apology. because you just want whatever happened to be over. so you can be free. and file that man under another man, that couldn’t say he was sorry.

so now, freely, you can walk down michigan avenue with your long coat on, high heels, and expensive scarf, having all sorts of epiphany moments, to a soundtrack of sigur ros. and hey, it’s christmas, so you want to make sure you can enjoy your independent moments, people watching– you wanna laugh at the couples you know won’t last. because you know they won’t. no one should be that lucky.

so for now i think about those bastards i’ve dated. all different. i’ve probably dated every kind of bastard. the self-centered, the logical, the sweet, the success-driven, the intelligent. i’ve dated the best of the best, because after all, my standards are high. and even though, you are laughing, because you know i’ve dated shit heads, retards, and egomaniacs, they have all had one thing in common: they had potential. and each one was so different than the next, i figured, this one has got to be better.

they never are. they are just different.

so will i give up? for now. because i am not capable of giving the same old shit my heart again. just so that they can make excuses. and then want to be friends. because maybe i’m too wonderful to leave, but too ridiculous to date.

and this one’s for you: i hope you think i’m crazy. because then you’ll run far, and i will be free of all the backwards logic for awhile.

and i will put on my pretty coat. and sing you my favorite songs. and fuck it all for awhile. i’m happier in the place where love doesn’t have to have an expiration date.

i never changed my definition of love.

i can’t help it if you didn’t understand what form of “love” i gave you at the time.

or what it became.

and what i wanted it to be.

and what it is now.



i never changed my definition of love.
that’s all i have to say.