(…i’ll remember where the love was found) 

i wish someone was there. 

i wish someone was there.

i wish someone was there.

no one was. but i was not alone. 

now i am. 

if only in my head. 

i loved you all, you know that?  i just never got a chance to tell you. 

now it’s too late.  because i forgot how to love.  i forgot that it is possible.  love is blind.  i never forget to say it right before i click my phone shut.   but i have no recollection of it in my life.    love.  does not. 

exist.

please for me.  tell me you are real.  tangible.  something i can lay my head on.  and just coast. just fly by the world.  with my face in your chest.  dreaming of another day.  a day that is easier.  that i can understand.  that i can feel.

i feel sick.  i feel hungover.  don’t drink too much.  no.  don’t smoke too much. no.  smoking’s dangerous.  it kills you. 

so does life.

remember when i lead you on?  because i liked your attention.   remember when i thought i should settle?  because you were too beautiful to pass up. remember when you kissed me?  and i felt like i had to, but i never liked you.  remember when i let you touch me?  even though you never deserved it. remember when i was so good in your eyes?  now i am reduced to nothing.   that’s okay.

i do it to myself.

i am lonely. but not alone.  i am strong.  but tired. friendly.  but i hate you.  a dreamer.  but  haven’t slept in days.  and they ask. “why are you wastin your life away?  you had so much potential.” so i laugh.  i smile.  i tell them that i am fine.  fine.  fine.  don’t tell me who i have become.  i am still hard at work.  fixing myself.  being real.  realizing my dreams.  just not so you can see.  then i run home.  and bury my face in my pillow. 

then slowly.

 the pain that runs through my veins.

 is gone.

i am numb. and there is no need for regrets.

when you chase it.

with your coffee and cigarettes.