What makes a girl like me, who has no previous experience with any sort of love, desire just plain sex more so than anything else, anyway? That’s a rhetorical question. You don’t have to be a genius to understand which feelings inside this female have been turned off, and which she looks away from, and which she denies exist. Just so she can experience someone else’s touch. Just so she can have fun.

I do not want love. I do not want a boyfriend. I want excitement. Excitement is something that I can control. And I am finished in the ways of doing things beyond my control. I am done with love.

This is a decision made months ago. But I did turn my opinion around for a short while, after I met the boy that I would allow to take my breath away. There I stood only to find that by giving him my heart, I would have no life left within me. (It is never good to fall for the one who steals your breathing.) So I held back some of me. I was weary of the situation. Turned out, he didn’t want me anyway. He wanted someone easier. And then I realized. So did I.

So yes, I have gone back to those core beliefs: Give up on love. Don’t give up on yourself. Live. And you don’t need love to live.

Love is a beautiful thing. Love, lifts us up where we belong. All we need is love. Love stinks. Love is for the weak. Love is dangerous. Love is corny. Love is undeniable. Love catches you off guard. Love only comes when you aren’t looking for it. Love does not exist.

I had a friend. He started dating this girl who seemed wonderful in everyway. A week later he told me that he knew it wouldn’t last long. He said that he was, “Waiting for this one to end.” Why, my friend, would you even start something like that? Throw your heart at someone, only to know that eventually one or both parties will bail? Why send yourself back to start before you even know there is going to be an ending? And when you are so certain that you see the ending, why wait for it? Why not end it right there?

Maybe he and I are both wrong. Maybe it’s not our fault that life throws us lemons, and we are such fuck ups, we can’t even figure out how to make the lemonade. Maybe no one showed us how to love, and therefore, we believe it does not exist, because we cannot MAKE it exist. We will protect ourselves in the only way we know how. I will not touch love. He will try love, but decide not to fully enjoy it, because he knows that eventually it will be gone.

We end up cheating ourselves of something greater than this life we know. But I don’t think that it is our fault. Only our cirumstances. I mean. I’d love a chance at love. And I hate that it is not there. But I won’t give my love to anyone. And I hate that I am twenty-one and have yet to come close. I hate that I firmly believe in the non-existence of love. I hate that I find more enjoyment being alone, then I do with someone by my side. I hate it, because it seems so unnatural to you and everyone else. I hate it, because it is so second nature to me. I hate it, because I am so codependent on myself. It is not my fault that I have not been handed the right situation. But it is my fault that I have missed it when it was right in front of me.

It is our fault that we didn’t fight for it when we saw it start to slip away.

I hate it, because you don’t understand. And therefore can’t relate. I hate you. Because you seem to think my actions are wrong. And I hate you for feeling bad for me.

I met a boy. His name will forever go unmentioned, for I love him nameless, and so will keep him that way. He lent me power. I had never felt that way before. And maybe for a moment I got the feeling of what it could mean to be in love.

And this is when I am interrupted by your thoughts, so that you can tell me how I look in all the wrong places for love. I am aware of my shortcomings. Insecurities. Stunted ideas of love. I am aware that slowly I am taking life away from my heart and giving it to my body. I am aware. I don’t care. Because this might be the only way I will learn about myself. The only way that I will learn to breathe through someone else’s mouth.

The things that are so second nature to you, are not easy for me. The things that you could never imagine doing, are what comes so naturally to me. I am not a whore. Just curious. Just wondering if the moments of fun are worth the numbness of heart. Just testing my limits. Just trying out the “yes’s” and the “no’s.” Just making up for lost time. Just curious.

I would never kiss a boy that liked me, if I did not like him. I would never lead someone on, because I think that its fun. I would never lie, and say that I wanted a relationship when I really didn’t. I would never intentionally keep flirting, if I knew you liked me. But I would kiss you if I didn’t know your name. I would kiss you, if I thought you were attractive enough. I would kiss you if you got me drunk enough. I would kiss you if you asked.

I wish people would just not like me to begin with. I am just not that into you. And not because I have ruled out love completely. But because I have never found anyone to make me take back the stupid things I have just said. And make me believe that it exists for me. Make me believe that I didn’t miss it while standing there alone, waiting for him to come find me.

We are all the same. I can kiss you as long as I don’t know your name. Whereas you can date someone as long as they don’t have your heart. Where you can sit in your room alone, knowing you are only settling for yourself. I will settle for the someone who doesn’t care. We all settle. Just don’t settle in the areas that you, and only you, deem innappropriate.

And maybe someday, you will be loved.