i want to make you happy

…but i’ve fallen, i’m sorry.
a year ago, she was born from dust. forced to relive the moments as she’s hiding them away. trying to be strong under pressure, when there are those who oppose. trying to be great, when she didn’t feel great at all. and she was told, “congratulations.” “you did the right thing.” “i [...]

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4/27/06

intoxicated.
on this drunken life.
fix your face on this.
the love you gave me in your sorry red eyes.
this is your life.
don’t fill it with lies.
that kill.
your soul.
hypocrites.
can you live for both?
can you imagine a life.
different from here?
get out of here.
where to go.
somebody told me.
you would know if you listened.
i listen. nothing.
but i see.
i see what is [...]

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5/30/06

don’t you think. of me. when you are alone?
to know this wasted life. of yours.
could mean less to you. then me.
i’m sorry it got so insane.
i’m sorry you forgot to quit.
while you were behind.
and there he was.
all dressed up.
he smiled.
and he said, “wait here.”
“and i’ll come back for you.”
as if i hadn’t heard that before.
a [...]

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8/31/06

trace my palms.
with yours.
lets see what happens.
when i write this down.
will you tell me to stop.
will you pretend you don’t know.
will you hold back from me.
because you don’t understand.
please.
let me hold on to this.
for one more day.
for one more second.
will pass and i will be empty.
again.
lets pretend that there is nothing better.
then right now.
and let [...]

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9/6/06

i toss and turn in my bed. it’s 3am. my sister is already asleep and i am mad at her because she is not awake to listen to me talk. and i am mad at her because she is able to sleep.
i wonder why i can’t sleep. why i actually have resorted to counting sheep. [...]

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1/10/06

things i will do.
take a walk in the cold.
talk to jesus.
let the wind touch my face.
come inside.
talk to someone who is far away right now.
paint something. anything.
furniture. a wall.
a picture.
of reality.
write a page of it.
get up.
pet my dog.
she’s happy.
kiss her head. and then her face.
walk.
kiss my sister.
listen to music.
psychotically.
put my shoe up to my ear [...]

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slightly me. 6/6/06

when i was little, i would climb trees in a skirt. my mom told me that it wasn’t lady-like.
i guess i never wanted to be a lady.
but i’ve always loved being a girl.
when i would get up to the top of the tree, i’d get scared and ask to be brought down. my dad told [...]

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8/24/06

in my head everything is perfect. the ocean below me crashing into itself. softly rustling, but loud enough to drown out the man on the otherside of the pier playing the guitar. singing. i think it’s spanish. but it could be english. i hear mumbling. i hear the pacific. i see diamonds.
i might be the [...]

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10/1/06

twenty-one.
It’s my birthday tomorrow. 
 
According to the clock on my laptop, I will be twenty-one in thirty-one minutes. I’m sitting up.  I should be sleeping.   I am tired.   I have to work tomorrow.  I have a million things to take care of.   I should be sleeping.  I should be. But I am [...]

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9/9/06

i was a little girl.  with long brown hair and light green eyes like both of my parents.  when i would smile, my eyes would disapear.  and when someone would talk to me, i would disapear. 
i used to walk up to my bedroom wall and put my face up against it. like if i thought [...]

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