in my head everything is perfect. the ocean below me crashing into itself. softly rustling, but loud enough to drown out the man on the otherside of the pier playing the guitar. singing. i think it’s spanish. but it could be english. i hear mumbling. i hear the pacific. i see diamonds.

i might be the only person i know that can waste five hours of my life driving, so that i can sit for two hours in front of a a body of water. alone.

but it is nice to be alone. it is nice to quietly gather thoughts, and sort through life, and teach myself to live. i am my best student. because i am good at listening. not that you aren’t. but you just aren’t.

when my mind is blank– my mind is never blank. my heart is always hurting. and my life is never simple. i wish i could stand in front of you, whole and good and strong. i wish i didn’t care that the friends i had were never my friends to begin with, and that that is not my fault.

i always tried to figure out which hurt worse. to be alone, or to be in a room with eyes quietly judging you for things that they heard second, third and tenth hand. but i know now, i love being alone. there is no contest.

i used to want to be with someone. i remember this man. i looked up to him in so many ways. and he admired and respected me. there were times that i saw a light inside him, that would take me to the otherside. but he gave up, right when i needed him the most. and that is the same with the rest of you.

you stopped calling me. you wrote about me so that everyone could read– on the internet of all the classy places. and when you see me. you smile and ask me how i am. fuck you. don’t pretend to care if you don’t. and if you really do care. put your back into it. i’m worth to know, and i’m sure that you are too. but i guess we’ll never know.

i’ve had a lot of time on my hands to do nothing. to read. to write. to think. and i wish i could continue sorting out what really matters. but all i think about is– you don’t get to know.

it’s strange the way that one person can destroy everything you’ve ever believed. that he can force you to start fresh. one foot at a time. both eyes open this time. checking over your shoulder. paranoia. that anyone after you, doesn’t want your mind, because the one who said he loved that part of you, left you. and the one who took your body- denied the fault and left you with confusion. then never had the face to apologize. he just grabbed on to anything his little heart could reach. and faked it for them. so that they would still take him in.

i don’t think of him anymore. i think of the aftermath.

but i can’t care if you like me. the world is huge. i’ll move on. i have. but my heart still hurts sometimes. and when i am alone. when i have time to think. this is what i see.
{an endless ocean full of shame and doubt. confusion. lost souls. angry words. rape. lies. and a blanket of hope. that one day everything will be taken away to the otherside of the world. and we won’t have to look at it again.}

you can’t hurt me. because i’ve already been hurt too deep. so come to me if you want to. try with me, and maybe i’ll give you something. something good. something real. maybe i’ll let my guard down. but if you don’t want to take the time, i’ll understand. and i’ll walk on this side of the ocean, dreaming of the day God takes me for an endless swim.