i made fool-proof brownies and fucked them up last night.

i said i stopped smoking, but had a cigarette tonight.

my hair still smells like smoke.

i listen to music so that i don’t have to listen to myself.

i write in rhyme and mystery so that even i don’t have to know what i am really saying.

i pretend like i am living in an alternate universe so that i don’t have to face the reality of what is really going on.

i didn’t do my taxes last year, and have yet to do them this year.

i let guys do what they want with me on the first date so i don’t have to worry about them really liking me later. they will move on because i am easy.

i don’t want anyone to know me, because i don’t know what that would do to me.

or to them.

i get sad when i think about my childhood.

my childhood was not that bad.

incest “runs” in my family.

but it never happened to me.

i remember everything that i learned in elementary school through highschool. everything.

i remember everyone that i have ever met, but pretend to forget so that i don’t creep them out.

i remember everything i read in us weekly yesterday when i got my hair done.

and i will remember it forever.

i use people, so that they don’t use me.

i love five people that are not related to me.

the rest of you i just pretend to love.

i rely on others to do things for me.

i love to watch my life spiral downwards, because it’s too hard having to break those bad patterns in order to move up.

i don’t drink unless someone wants me too.

i trust everybody to be honest.

over and over again.

i don’t know who i am.

sometimes i wish i didn’t exist.

sometimes i believe that i don’t.

i’m supposed to change the world.

but that might be a lie that i’ve held onto for too long.