it might be a year now.

this smile on my face is going to last 20 seconds. maybe 30. it’s no big deal. but lets count down together. 30, 29, 28, 27…

3, 2, 1… and you call.
hello? hello?
who’s out there?
you?
again?
why?
i’m not smiling.
oh wait.

i am.

so everybody, hold up your hands. say, “i don’t wanna be in love. i don’t wanna be in love.”

leave me alone. that way i can breathe. i might have bought an entire pack of marlboro lights just so i could stand outside in the ice rain and light them. i might have smoked them too.

i threw them out of my car window this morning. it’s cool. there were only two left.

i wish i didn’t throw them out. i want another.

a couple shots of tequila. just for, well just because… i like when my throat burns. i like when you light things on fire. i like when you yell at me in front of everyone, and then two seconds later mouth, “i’m sorry” to me so that no one can see. i like when you touch my arm. you might be my second favorite love of all time.

and i’d probably be better off if i never talked to you again. but then again, i would miss you. i would miss you so much, i might never be able to let it go. thats a lie. but i’d probably cry myself to sleep for a week. maybe.

is this too much information? none of it is true. i am a liar. all of it is true.

lets count down. you know, to a time when life was new and exciting. to before i saw your face. 3, 2, 1… no. you were the last good thing about this part of my life. sometimes i’d like you to be the first good thing in the next part.

as i said. there goes my hero. he’s gone. but you know? he wasn’t you. i don’t need a hero anymore, i need a friend.

the little one told me that the only things impossible in life are turning back time and death.

i told her that no matter where you are, who you meet, and what you do, your circumstances will only get better. you never reach the best. so be content in what you have, and be optimistic for what you will have.

i can’t turn back time, but is it too late to end up on purpose? with you? the boy who is not the best, but the best i’ve ever had?

i am weak, vulnerable and out of control. and i almost like it.