i am a lost cause. like most people in the world are- i am just self-aware. i understand that i am un-understandable. i understand that i am hopeless.

i am going to talk about love. because that is really all i talk about. the way everyone always talks about grey’s anatomy. or what they like to call, “greys.” the way they don’t shut up about fuckin mcdreamy and mccreamy and izzy and meredith, of course, and seriously? i am going to talk about love like that. but then i am going to just let life happen the way it’s supposed to. the way it’s meant to.

love. i love my life. of course it is a bullshit life that no one would trade for their own. because i mean, if you were gonna trade, you wouldn’t trade me. you would trade with meredith grey. or even the asian chick. but seriously. i work in a resturant. i don’t even work in a good resturant. i hate most people i work with and get mad at people a lot. and frankly, people hate me. hate. not love. my life is not good.

i live in my parent’s basement. my car has rotting starbucks cups hidden underneath work clothes and empty garbage bags that i bring into my car in hopes that they will magically pick up the trash so that i don’t have to. my car has a flat tire because i ran over a nail. my car plays music though… so that’s good.

i don’t watch grey’s anatomy. it doesn’t interest me at all. probably because the majority of the people who watch it, i hate, and they hate me in return.

these people might hate me because i made out with their boyfriend, or maybe they hate me because i mocked them to their face. but seriously. i can’t help it that i’m not as dumb as they are. someone hates me because i told her that i’d rather color than work, so she had to do my job. i was kidding. so now seriously? to hate me for that reason? you are just looking for reasons to hate me.

some people hate me because i turned their friend into the police. i hate me, because i dropped charges. some people hate me because i rolled my eyes when they said something retarded. i hate me because i say more retarded things than anyone.

i wish people didn’t offend so easy. i wish that i wasn’t offensive. when i was younger, i actually looked in the mirror and wished that i wasn’t so pretty, so that when people liked me, i knew that they actually liked ME. because, i guess, my personality sucks balls. i am not loveable. and i guess now i am conceded too, because i think i’m pretty.

more often then not, and i am saying this happens a lot, a guy that likes me, yells at me for making him like me. no one i know has ever liked me without questioning why he did. and then they yell at me, yes, they yell at me for making them like me. i guess i am some kind of con-artist. forcing innocent dick-thinking males to be attracted to me. seriously.

i am tired. i get tired of having to explain to people why i am insane. why i need counseling. why i like to dance and sing and twirl and smoke and drink and smile and kiss and stare and sleep and read and write and draw and eat and go to starbucks. i get tired of not being good enough for the only guy i care about, but being told by a hundred different people that they hate me because i think that i am too good for everyone. i am not good enough, yet too good. i get tired of my mood swings, and my clumsiness.

i am tired of being sorry.

for christmas i want the millions of presents that were promsed to me by the fortune teller. this fortune teller told me that my life was to be bigger than most. and to expect presents. i am selfish. i want my presents. i want to know that i am loved. because i love. i do. i love a few things a lot. and a love like mine is hard to give to everyone, because it’s big. and my mom used to tell me that i cared too much for things that didn’t matter. but then she told me that it was okay. that my love is okay, because it is mine. and that made me smile.

oh love. love is great. i say “i love you” a lot. but i don’t mean it. when i mean it, i don’t say it. you just know that it’s for you.

nobody’s laughing now. but you could always make me laugh outloud.

i don’t know who i am. not really, not yet. i don’t know what love is really. but i know that it exists. and i don’t know if meredith grey has anything to say about hating oneself. but i know that i do hate myself. only because thats my life. and i cop out of fixing it with that line. well, “it is my life.” i think with time, i will grow out of it. whatev. you never have to explain yourself to anyone. that is a code to live by.

i know that my life is great today. because i saw what it could be, and then i realized what it will be. and that is beautiful.

love is beautiful. and one day, i will know what it is.

sail on quick. fly past the world. find me a love.