the good.
me and my best friend have a strained relationship these days. you possibly ask why? well, she is sublimely happy and i am not. she and i have never lead the same lives, but we have lead parallel existences. they both have sucked. together as people, we have never seen good. we have never seen love. we have never been happy for longer than an hour.
what used to make us happy? running. playing beer pong. kissing boys. going to concerts. eating out. driving. but these are things that last an hour. then you have to reminisce. which don’t make no one happy.
so i am happy for her good. happy for her lovely life and her new found funny vocabulary that includes phrases like, “goodnight sweetheart,” and “i love you, okay baby? i love you.” sometimes when i hear these strange sentences come out of her mouth, i make barfing sounds and actions, because i am five years old.
luckily i have a good friend who doesn’t hate me because i am still stuck in the bad and am immature because of it.
i’m not saying here that no relationship = bad life, there are a lot of other things that come into good, and she has them. college education. financial security. travel opputunities. all at twenty-one years. i am happy for her, though being happy for someone never makes you happy. it makes you want to feel sorry for yourself.
the bad.
my dad called me today (mind you, i have been sober for a week) and asks me what i’m doing. i say eating. he then goes, “so you aren’t sick from alcohol cause you’re not slurring your words, but you are stuffing your mouth, so you probably have the munchies from smoking too much dope.”
okay then.
i do drink a lot. but to say that not drinking this week was hard, would be a lie. i’ve had no desire to get drunk. but that just makes me look like an alcoholic, because i’m trying to prove my soberness. do i smoke weed? i have. i don’t, because i don’t “do drugs.” but i do have long hair and i laugh a lot, so you know… i’m probably on something at all times.
i had a week off work and i have no money. i’m hungry right now. it’s 2:30 in the morning. i must be high.
i’m nervous. because i have to go to school soon. i hate school. that’s why i don’t go. i seem to have forgot that part when i enrolled. someone should have shot me in the face with that information. but the thing is, people never liked that i wasn’t in school, so when i made up my mind to go, EVERYONE was for it. i wish people loved me enough to tell me to keep waitressing.
the ugly.
no eyebrows. googly eyes. big teeth. every person that i have despised has had those main features. i am not that shallow. i’ve hated their personalities first. they just happen to be ugly, which is their own problem.
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January 11, 2008 at 6:39 pm
ro
you could still waittress if you want, you’re one of the best. you could do it forever and make enough to get by living in a small apartment in the city and meeting hockey players, famous jerks from bands, models, and maybe jennifer aniston…along the way maybe you’d meet a few lovely boys who will try to do the feet sweeping thing… it wouldn’t be a bad life. it will be what you make it. and it could be good. it could be great.
…but then you’ll always be wondering, and wishing, and knowing that you could have done the stupid school thing in order to do something that, when doing it, time didn’t exist, or you felt like you were where you belonged. you’ll always know, that you were more than good enough and smart enough to do it. and wonder, maybe why you didn’t….quite possibly, even in the midst of a good life. a great life.
you would make a wonderful journalist or lawyer. …unfortnately, school is one of the obstacles to being a journalist or lawyer. and i guess that is just the way of the world these days. a peice of paper that says you got brains and determination. i think you could get over the school hump. and no doubt, it will probably suck sometimes or a lot of times, but then other times it will be lovely.
i dont want to tell you to keep waitressing unless that is what you want to do. if you want to do it…..keep waitressing dangit!
but i love you. and i know that you, deep down, know what makes you happiest….
so i just say. go after that even if it means doing the stupid school thing.
just be you. no big deal…