there is no reason to be here right now.  not up here freezing my face off just because i need to write something profound and amusing that some people might read, and gain insight from.  i don’t really want to reread that sentence. it was probably a run-on.  but no one gets laid because their grammar is good.  and thats all were looking for these days, eh?

so as it goes, i’m probably not the brightest hammer in the screwbox. (btw. i said that to someone yesterday and they were like, “not brightest hammer, alyssa. it’s brightest lightbulb.” and i was like, “you don’t say?”) anyway, i should probably just drop any sorry ass that does not confuse me with the sea, or a rock, or god. but i keep thinking that one day he could. he will eventually come around. so i cant swear him off just yet. i also can’t end it, because i like him so much that it might be physically impossible to pry my hands from his beautiful back. i can’t let go. he has to let me go. and i know he will. they all do.

it’s a countdown of days…
eventually…

they stop calling. they stop talking. they lay off. because i am crazy. i might be beautiful. i might say funny, witty or intelligent things sometimes. i might be the fucking sea upon which they float. but i am insane. a little sociopathic. but mainly bi-polar. mainly an emotional wreck. i don’t trust most people. or anyone for that matter, but that’s normal for anyone these days… really, i’m just “psycho.”

i feel like i’ve gone through enough in my life to be a crazy. that’s the credit i give my mom at least. i deserve a little of it. i deserve you all to understand that everything i say or do may not have a real reason behind it, but it does make sense. and if that don’t make sense to you, lets not be friends. it’s up to you to drop me. i’ll just ignore you til you go away.

that’s what i do with most people.

i’m nicotine. a cash machine. the color green.

i’m money. it’s no big deal. i’m even cooler than the chick you ate lunch with today. but if you can’t see that, i can’t make you. i don’t want you to change your mind because of me. i just wish you’d wake up. open your eyes to what’s real, and what’s there, and stop jerking me around. but who’s fault is it that i get jerked around? it’s probably mine. but the blame looks better on you. because you are an asshole. and i’m a nice, psycho chick.

i don’t know what i really want. i think i just want you. i think that’s what all this is. just a game that i hate. just a prize if i win, you. but that would mean that you lose. and i would hate to be the reason you lose at anything. i care to much. i just want you. you. okay? that’s all. i want you. there i said it. or wrote it. or babbled my way to this end result. i want you. i may not love you. or even like you all the time. but what do i even love or like all that much? i want you. you know it. they all do. so what do i do with it, now that i figured it? nothing. because you don’t want me.

you say you wanted more, what are you waiting for? i’m not running from you. can’t break me down. bury me, i am finished with you. look in my eyes. you’re killing me. all i wanted was you.