i’ve found myself calling/writing guys, that i used to date, like, or know, waiting for one of them to tell me they are still in love with me. a couple still do love me. but it doesn’t make me feel any better, i still know that i never loved them.

i’m addicted to being alone. sometimes when i’m sleeping and there is someone near by i will groan for no reason. i’ll catch myself doing this and realize that the groan was anger towards someone, constantly waking me up, just because they’re there. who sleeps well with someone else there? i never have. who lives well, with someone else there? i don’t know how.

not talking about friends. i have a lot of friends, and a few good ones that i want near me. but i couldn’t imagine needing someone, loving someone, and being there for someone at all times. All shit on the table, and all love aside, but you do love this person– maybe you’re in love with this person. but what is in love? i don’t know. i really don’t. i know a few people that think they’ve been in love with anyone with a pulse. i know some other people who wouldn’t admit love if it slapped them in the face a thousand times over. i know i’m not apathetic towards love, i think about it every second, and double that if i have the time. but i still don’t understand what it is.

cliche as it sounds.

i don’t think you can be in love with someone you’ve known for three months. but then what do i know? i’ve never known it. i don’t think sex is love, but i think it clouds people’s minds. i one time thought i liked this twenty-nine year old professor that i made out with in madison. all i did was make out with him. but i still was confused. i think we all get confused. but sometimes the confusion is lovely.

i’d like to be confused with someone just as confused as me. that would be sweet. we could make out and wonder what the other person really felt, but still know the feelings were mutual. hold hands on the couch. giggle. throw food at each other. question everyday whether or not he is the right one.

sounds stellar.

no joke. i kinda wished strange love existed in my life.