Daily Archive

sometimes i like to make lists. lists of facts, lists of ideas, lists of things to do, lists of my top five favorite songs of all time, lists of lists that i have made.

i like to read lists too. i just read “the fifty things a guy needs to know about girls.” i got a lot out of it, obviously, considering i agreed with it all- and i thought, “hey every guy should read this.” then, i almost reposted it on facebook. but soon after reading it, i figured that the only people to read it would be girls, and they would say things to me like, “every guy needs to know this!” and i’d have to respond to them or something. and i just don’t have the time. plus i don’t think guys read lists. because i really don’t think they care. it be another one of those things girls do to preach to the choir.

i would imagine that if a guy out there had a crush on me, he might want to read something about me. like a list. maybe a list of my favorite places, favorite movies, a list of random facts… but then i stop and think. no one really cares, let alone guys.

men don’t give a shit about what you like, and you’re lucky when they remember your birthday.

i so badly want to make a list right now. i might later. write it on a scrap piece of paper and throw it away after i read it and realize, that yes, this is an honest, factual list. i’d start with the things i’ve done, like how i’ve watched every episode of sex and the city, how i went to california and new york last year, how i dance in my car when i’m by myself and i do think i’m the shit when i do it.

later, i might go on and make a list of what i like in a guy. i made one of these in highschool, and no joke, it got up to 200 things. i was picky then, didn’t want to waste my time on a ‘non-perfect man,’ now i’m just alone. with no practice. no feelings that i am able to comprehend. i guess i should have practiced my hand on the dumbasses. but it’s too late now. i never went to prom, never practiced kissing underneath the bleachers, never cared for someone.  and now i don’t know real love from lust, don’t know friend from fuck. don’t know.

tonight, i might make a list of things i should do before spring break ends- like my taxes. and how maybe i should study for a test. and how maybe i should work out a little more. or maybe i should stop crying all the time. that would be a good list. but just thinking about making that list makes me want to vomit. and i’ve puked too much already this week.

a little side note: my dad’s sister died yesterday. so he and my mom are in florida for the week. i feel bad for my dad, though i didn’t know what to say to him. i said i’m sorry. i guess that’s what you say. and now i’m home, by myself, and i feel alone. i’m not sad about my aunt dying. though i should be. i’m not hungry, i’m not tired, i’m not anxious. i’m just alone right now. i hate this feeling. i feel worthless. common. disabled. good for nothing. numb. loveless. annoying. fat. ugly. short haired lesbian looking stupid cunt.

i just spent an hour looking at pictures of this guy i used to love and his current girlfriend. what good does that do me? all i did was think about how unattractive she is, and how she probably isn’t as witty, intelligent, and original as i am. i don’t even like this guy anymore. so why waste my time you ask?

i think that after awhile you just start to wonder why in 22 years, you weren’t good enough for any one person you decided to let your heart love.

it’s not healthy to turn the reasons you suck into a list, but i might try tonight.