i keep a rabbit’s foot hanging from the mirror in my car. it’s on the passenger side, so sometimes for no reason, i finger the dead foot with my right hand, and i feel better. i don’t feel better because i believe in the foot. i don’t believe in luck. it’s not real. it’s an illusion that some people seem to have more of. when i touch the foot i am reminded that i am in control of my own destiny. i am in control of the light switch that turns the epiphanys on and and off. i am in control. i hate to be out of control.

next to the mirror, above the window, there is a stain. the stain reminds me of a day. a day when i lost control, and then it reminds me of the time i took it right back. and i felt so unlucky for so long. why would a girl like me, who is kind and good and pure have something like that happen to her? if there is a god he had forgotten about me. if there is luck, it was not meant for me. and i was unlucky.

i was unjustly fired from two jobs before i reached age twenty. it sounds strange, because i mean, if it kept happening i obviously suck, not my managers. but the point is, i had to go back, share with the management my viewpoint, and they offered me my jobs right back. and one of my bosses even admitted to me that the whole time i was there i was treated unfairly. and she was sorry. that’s just me, being treated poorly, because i am young, naive, and vulnerable. unfair, unjust, unlucky.

i told myself that i was okay, and that it was for the best. when they offered me my jobs back, i turned them down, because i wanted to go somewhere where i was wanted. it’s nice to be wanted. it’s nice to know that there could be someone out there who looks at my good, and wants to develop me. instead of being around people that want to tell me that i dress too slutty for work, because i don’t wear nylons with heels. some people.

i am an emotional wreck. i know this. i cry a lot. i do a lot of really stupid things. things that make you feel like maybe i am not as smart as you once thought i was. when yelled at i do one of two dumbassfuckup things. either i completely freak out, or just shut off and ignore you til you go away. both unhealthy. both completely insane. but at least i know what i do. and i know how to fix it. i know how to undo a lot of what i’ve caused. i know how to apologize, maybe because i’ve had a lot of practice? maybe because i am really good inside, just surfacely crazy. my mom has told me that i am a genius. so i look at micheal jackson for reasoning.

with great genius comes great insanity.

i just got fired. actually i’m not really supposed to know that i did. but one of managers decided to tell everyone. so now with my second hand firing i have to go in on my own terms today and hear it again. there’s nothing i can do now, except hope for the best kind of grade A firing i can get. it’s because i was stupid. because i do that. because i am unlucky? no, because there was a choice, and i am more easily replaceable then someone else. i’m nervous. my hands are shaking cold. but even those will be okay.

i found a place to live. kind of transitional while i move on with life. so now i need money. and i am fired. came out of nowhere. kind of a shock. i could be unlucky. whenever i am happy finally, something happens to shove my face back to the curb. it’s like the life goal of the world is to not let me stay too content for too long. that would be too nice.

but i am not unlucky. i know this. two weeks ago i fell into dispair. so i spent the last week going over my life to get out of it. i quickly discovered that i was lucky.

luckiness recap:
i am a horrible driver, and i’ve never been in an accident. i’ve been pulled over twenty times and have only gotten three tickets. (because even the luckiest lose sometimes.) i’ve gotten every job i’ve applied for. i completely blew off a class for two weeks, took the test, guessed on every question and got a passing grade. the mechanics at the ntb told me that i am the only person they know who owns a car that actually fixes itself. and then they decided not to charge me for the oil change. and why don’t we just fix your tires for free? this could also happen because i’m cute, but even that is lucky, eh?

i am fired. i am. but for some reason it seems okay. i am sad. but i should have been fired five other times. this is just it. the end. and time to move on. i’m lucky in this way. sometimes when i need to make a decision, the decision is always made for me. not saying i’m out of control. i am, but when things feel the most clouded, is when a burst of light shines through and i carry on and i go right back to the beginning. a little bit stronger, a little smarter, a little more impervious? and it’s all good again. i am lucky that i can see, i am lucky that i know there is more, i am lucky.

it doesn’t ever suck to be me. i’m not a victim. i know what i’m doing, and i know what i’ve done to deserve it. and i am my own hero. hopefully thats okay.

and the foot belongs to a rabbit. that rabbit wasn’t so lucky. and it reminds me that i am.

lucky.