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come on try a little. nothing is forever. there’s got to be something better than in the middle.

and there i go. crying. everytime i see you.
is that me? or is it you. are my tears from you?
or a reaction of everything you are. to me.
i love you like the day i woke up and found four new kittens at my feet.
i love you like the most intoxicated drunk i’ve ever felt without puking or blacking out.
i love you, because i don’t at all.
it doesn’t make sense in a world where everything must make sense.
me and you? no. i understand, you know. i understand why you fight it.
why it seems so wrong.
you’re like a mirror. a mirror of everthing i hate in myself.
i could paint your entire existence on a canvas. and it would be empty.
you think we’re both so empty. afraid.
because everything we have ever wanted has come crashing down around us.
how am i supposed to change the world, if the world runs my life?
i am not big enough. and you are afraid that it will bring you down.
it’s okay. i understand. i get it. but i still cry.
but right now, between love and life, and everything that flies around on little butterflies, that i am not capable of finding.
we are in the middle.
one day we will get out. you might be closer than i.
but you are also more afraid than i am.
but if you go your way.
i’ll go mine.
and if we both find the way out, who’s to say it’s not the same?
i guess we’ll find out.
i guess it doesn’t matter.
i’ve got a few years left to discover.
meet me in five.

one of the best compliments of my life ended with a negative one that sent me straight back to hating myself.

“when you’re 24 or 25, you’re going to be quite the catch.”
“what am i not the catch now?”
“no, absolutely not.”

i’ll probably never be in love.
——————-

i kind of wish i had the benefits of parents who thought more about the future, then the present. who maybe cut off the the baby making so that they could send their children to college. for those of you who don’t have to pay for college, consider yourself, in a word, blessed.

you can study. you can party. you can work, only if you’re bored. but school can be your number one priority. let me tell you that it is really hard to study for a test when you worked six doubles in a row and only made two hundred dollars. you have a phone bill, a car insurance payment, you need an oil change. gas is four dollars a gallon, and you live forty-five minutes away from everything. it’s even harder to study when your temporarily unemployed.

i just lost my job, so i asked my mom if she could loan me three hundred dollars for a summer class at community college. she hesitated, and said, “let me think about that.”

you know, most likely she doesn’t have money to give me. but that just makes me more bitter. why did you need six kids? i remember when i was a senior in high school crying my eyes out. my mom kept yelling at me, saying, “why are you so bi-polar?” “get some medication.” “i’ll check you into a hospital if you want.” i almost took her up on the offer. i knew i’d get to the hospital and they’d realize i was fine, i just wanted to be free of my mother standing over me yelling at me to stop crying.

i was crying because i didn’t want them to adopt another child. i didn’t want to see more reasons why i couldn’t go to a four year college. i guess i was selfish. i guess my parents didn’t need to pay for college. i guess they have every right to not pay for my summer class even if i pay them back. i guess they can have twenty kids, if that really helps.

i never want kids.

why is it that just when something good happens, 5,000 things go wrong? i just got a job, i was only unemployed for five days. yet, i’m not really excited. i’ll have to train and study for tests while i’m also studying for finals. i thought i had a place to live, i was all set, when that fell through. i’m going to look at another place at 6:00, but i don’t even want to. chances are that won’t work out. chances are i can’t afford it anyway. and i guess i could not take a summer class, but by me not taking it, greatly affects my work load in the fall, and how much more money i will be spending on a real school.

you’re right i’m not bi-polar. it’s just easier to say that then, “i hate my life.”  but i do wonder why everything makes me sad.

 maybe we’ll grow up and make a new name for ourselves. maybe we’ll acheive the dreams we longed for when we were younger. maybe life will throw us a bone. maybe we’ll have to work really hard- harder than most because, we were given less. maybe we’ll have to make do with what we have.

maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll make it out okay, because our parents aren’t the final say in what we are to become.