i used to pray to god everynight.

“dear god, please help me to have a good night sleep, with no bad dreams, and keep me safe through the night. i pray that no robbers come and my whole family is happy. i love you. amen.”

i remember this like it was yesterday, because frankly it might have been. i got so used to praying this prayer, that when i am in my own bed, i recite it. and if i don’t, i feel like i might not be able to go to sleep. i spent a long time getting that out of my system. i don’t want to recite for god anymore.

i was pretty emotionally tied up in how much life sucked yesterday, so my mom and dad took me out with them. they bought me food, starbucks, and work clothes. they also took me to lowes. while we were in lowes, looking at the sinks and baths, my mom told me that if you trust in god, he won’t let you down.

i said, “so how do you know this?”
“experience.”
so i responded, “i’ve trusted in god, and he never got me anywhere. the only times i’ve ever gotten out of a mess is when i pulled myself out.”
“you think that’s true. but it’s not.”

i looked at my mom. i thought about it. and i remembered when i would rely on a god for everything. i’d ask him for guidance. i’d pray before i made a decision. i’d sing those songs. i’d wait around a lot. and i wouldn’t get much from him. one time this lady prayed for me, she told me that she could see i was afraid to ask for much. that maybe i didn’t think i deserved it, but that god wanted to give me everything, and even more. i just had to ask.

so i asked. i asked. i wanted this boy to like me. i wanted this certain job. i wanted to be skinny. i wanted people to respect me. i want to be heard. i wanted life to be happy. i waited, i went for it, i tried my hardest, and i asked. and god didn’t come through.

this was my life people. i grew up in church. the same way you may have not. it’s what you know. it’s who you are, even when you don’t want it anymore. it’s engrained in your head, your heart and your way. i waited for god to fulfill his promise to me, and this is what i got:

i got the boy to like me. he didn’t want to date me. i got the job, but then my future boss decided against it, a week later. she took it away from me, after i had already turned down another job and had been unemployed for six months. i lost ten pounds, but i haven’t really gotten skinny ever. i wanted people to respect me, when in that same year, i went to a party, got drunk, and lets say that no one respected me anymore, even though i did everything i could to be strong, and trusted god to “use it for good.” i wanted people to listen to me, and hear me out and no one did anymore. i wasn’t allowed to talk. i became nothing.

you could look at this, and see that i did get the job and the guy. that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be and god knew better? maybe i was the one who got drunk. maybe i was the one who ran my mouth too many times and had to pay. maybe. but i asked you see, i asked to be happy. to be good. and i wasn’t, and to think that for a little while i thought god wanted to give me the world.

so i prayed and prayed. “god, make this better.” please. and i was sad. and he didn’t help me out of it. and i wanted to trust him. but i couldn’t anymore. so i let go. and it took me a year, but i made it better myself. i don’t remember god being there. even though i asked. i trusted. he gave up on me. and, you know, you could say that i gave up on god. because maybe i did. but i’ll tell you it wasnt before i tried. for twenty years i tried. thats longer than most people can say.

it’s been three years. since the beginning of this ordeal with god. i’m kind of back in the same place. unemplyed, single, not respected and unhappy. this time i’m here without god. this time, it would make sense to christians. and they would blow off the last time it happened. but really it’s the same place, and this time i can blame myself. and this time i don’t feel stupid for relying on someone that doesn’t care.

and i asked my mom yesterday, “isn’t god a god who can turn water into wine? if he is i’m sure that he can turn my life into good. he already knows i’ve waited. and until he does, i will make my own decisions, because god never told you to wait for something to help you, he wants you to use the brain he gave you.”

my mom looked at me like i was stupid. but if there is god, which just so you know, i believe there is a god. i do. i just don’t know anything about him. i don’t think he’s the god i knew. i think that THAT god was a figment of my imagination.

“dear god, please help me to have a good night sleep, with no bad dreams, and keep me safe through the night.”

“help me god.” i dont think he helps. i think that he looks to see who is willing to help themselves, and then help others.

i think this god made the world. and then i think he watched.