whatever it is, i don’t know.

during the day, my dad sits in the next room talking in his blackberry on conference calls. i tell him to get an iphone, so i can play with it. he doesn’t hear me. he is not a multi-tasker. my dad works hard for his money. he describes his job as making money for everyone else. after he interests the companies into buying his product, the salesmen sell it and take the paycheck. and to think if he never knocked up his girlfriend, his fifteen year plan into retirement might have actually happened.

i sometimes i wonder if my dad is happy. he has his days. kind of like these other people i know.

she’s twenty-five or so, she works as a resturant manager in the northwest suburbs of chicago. she will tell you that she thinks she deserves more money than what she is given. she thinks she is a good leader, if only because she knows how to raise her voice. she likes the idea of woman in leadership. she would vote for hillary, but would never check to see if she actually agrees with her as a candidate. she is a feminist, because thats what she thinks will take her mind off how lonely she is. she hates her job. she hates being small. she hates her life. but somehow it is what she wants, and it is what she will get, because she hasn’t tried to leave it. you don’t buy a condo in the suburbs as a single woman, unless you are trying to prove your independence, yet at the same time hoping someone impregnates you.

he drives a small chick car. it’s not a hybrid, but it gets good gas mileage. he is not green, but likes to appear that way. he likes to smoke and drink and have a good time. he likes to be able to walk to work, but will drive there anyway. he likes to feel free, but he knows he’s not. he spent his twenties partying, and now his thirties wishing he took more responsibilty. wishing he didn’t cheat on his girlfriend when he was 20. wishing he treated his body better. he will say he doesn’t regret. but you know he does. he has everything he’s wanted for so long. but he is alone, and his friends are married, and he is getting used to his life. and pretty soon, he won’t be able to change it, and he will be the same. fifty years old at a bar, telling twenty-year olds how beautiful they are.

they graduated college. spent four years, and thousands of their parents dollars. some might have loans they have to pay back, some are a little luckier. no one can move out of their parent’s house. no one has a job that pays them over ten dollars an hour. no one has a job in their field because no one wants a twenty-two year old. they feel like they spent their time wasted. that even trying to get a job for 35,000 a year is still not as good as taking a serving job. they are sad, because they don’t really matter. and the dream of never having to settle, is gone. and they may not be alone, they might have love, but they don’t have pride.

i didn’t go to college for five years. i told everyone that i wanted to know who i was before i tried to guess how i was going to make my money. when i knew myself better, i went back. and it’s strange, because now i am older than i should be. i live with my parents, i rely on them for shelter. i am not in love, but sometimes wonder what it would be like if i could change someone’s mind. i have friends, and they seem much more advanced. and i’m afraid.

i’m afraid of ending up like everyone else. with no purpose. no love. no dream of my own. i’m afraid that i will get to where i think i need to be, and still not be happy.
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