and by predictable, i mean awesome.
my mom told me that those that you admire the most are, most likely, those that share the same gifts and talents that you do.
she has told me this for years, but very recently stepped into my brain and took a walk around.
i was watching sex and the city. no, please, don’t tune out now. but i was looking at those girls, carrie, samantha, charlotte and miranda. and in some sick girly way admire them all.
carrie most of all, because she gets to be a reporter of love. and that is my dream job. and it’s also what i do. i am a writer of love.
samantha because she is in PR and who wouldn’t want to socialize with the elite and plan awesome parties? it’s another one of those dream jobs, and also what i already do. i am a social butterfly, party coordinating, popular jagoff.
charlotte, because she works in an art museum, believes in a knight in shining armor, and eventually quits her job to raise a family. she holds dear, what i hold dear. beauty, romance, and family.
miranda, a lawyer. umm, hello, the only job made for a libra. what is just and pure, noble and cynical, and self deprecating. if i had money i would have already finished law school. just because i’d be really good at it.
so yes, am i really all these things? a writer, a socialite, a lover, and a lawyer? then yes, on a smaller scale i am. and if i’m okay with that small scale, i have arrived. and is small scale okay with me when i’m still a server? if i am all of this, and i make my money by waiting on a million people who don’t appreciate me, and treat as though i am nothing compared to them, am i okay?
i think people base their happiness on the way that other people view them, and not enough on how they view themselves. i am amazing. i know that, people know that. i surround myself by a few amazing people, and you are the company that you keep. but do i go to sleep thinking about how great my life is? no. i hate it, i can’t stand it.
a girl called me stupid repeatedly, and therefore i called her a cunt. maybe overreacting? maybe not, not if you really do view yourself that way, as stupid. you call me stupid, you treat me like i’m not too bright, or precious, special, or beautiful i will punch you in the face with my classy rhetoric. it’s only because i am so afraid of actually being a lesser version of a person. and my fear steals my self worth.
i wish i could write you into self worth, but i guess we can work on it together. maybe you admire someone? maybe it’s because you are everything that person is. think about it, it might make you smile.
