this sounds a little scary.

disclaimer: this is extremely cheesy, stupid, and is not really intended for the mentioned men to read. so if you think it’s about you, just pretend it’s not important, and go read another cute girl’s blog.

i’ve been crying a lot.

it’s been awhile since i’ve done that. i am an expert at crying myself to sleep with no one noticing. whether or not i’m suggling up next to a boy, or just alone in my silence. but like i said, it’s been awhile.

i think i’m afraid. really afraid. scared shitless. lost in the world, grasping for something i understand.

when i dated my last boyfriend, a lot of the time, i felt like i was single. in fact, i wasn’t technically single, but figuratively i was the whole time. he didn’t really care if he found out someone crashed in my bed, he didn’t care if i got hit on in bars, and took drinks form them. he wasn’t really in the business of jealousy, good or bad. he also wasn’t in the relationship, for relationship purposes, more for trying to figure his life out.

he would tell me that he was in it for the difficulty we had. sometimes it made sense, sometimes it just made me feel difficult. and you know, about the time he decided to really give me everything i wanted, like really commit. it was too late. i cheated on him. but in a way, it was for the best, i broke free, not in the best of ways, but it all happens for a reason.

i miss him a lot. i don’t want to be with him. i know that it never would work. but i miss him. like it hurts, and i’m trying to deal with this pain, and i’m also really happy with my life now. i think the word might be ambivalent.

and i’m scared, because i love the man i’m with, and as far as i know, i want to spend forever with him. but how scary is forever? what if i’m wrong? what if this is too easy? what if i wake up one day alone? because unlike with my ex, i’m not single at all. i am in a serious, committed, let’s talk about the futue, relationship. and what’s more scary?

the weird part: “alone” sounds good. i know alone so well, it’s not scary. alone is NOT scary. missing my ex is scary, loving my boyfriend is scary. my life alone, totally doable.

i hate the fact that my boyfriend calls me out on having a big mouth, how he tries to give me pointers to make my life better. i hate it when he tells me to shower. i hate that i’m not allowed to get self-righteous on his ass, without him getting right back up in my face.

i spent twenty four years understanding that i was going to be a life long single lady. i started looking in to kittens. tried the slut thing. tried the celibate thing. and i was starting to get the hang of it.

and now here i am in a deeply commited, spiritual almost, relationship with a wonderful man who loves me enough to call me out on my bullshit. and sometimes i cry at night, because that is awfully scary.

so to my ex: i do miss you, i’m not sure what that means yet, i hope i get over it, but maybe one day we’ll just be friends. maybe, we’ll understand that are similarities were so strong that we failed to understand how our oppositions would kill us. and in that sense, just a couple kids that should have just stayed friends, but heck, we learned shit, didn’t we?

and to my boyfriend: i love you, i don’t know what it fully means yet, but i said it. i said it a lot. and it’s scary, so just don’t run away, and don’t let me run away. but just so you know, i think i’m going to have a panic attack.