Category Archive

i am a lost cause. like most people in the world are- i am just self-aware. i understand that i am un-understandable. i understand that i am hopeless.

i am going to talk about love. because that is really all i talk about. the way everyone always talks about grey’s anatomy. or what they like to call, “greys.” the way they don’t shut up about fuckin mcdreamy and mccreamy and izzy and meredith, of course, and seriously? i am going to talk about love like that. but then i am going to just let life happen the way it’s supposed to. the way it’s meant to.

love. i love my life. of course it is a bullshit life that no one would trade for their own. because i mean, if you were gonna trade, you wouldn’t trade me. you would trade with meredith grey. or even the asian chick. but seriously. i work in a resturant. i don’t even work in a good resturant. i hate most people i work with and get mad at people a lot. and frankly, people hate me. hate. not love. my life is not good.

i live in my parent’s basement. my car has rotting starbucks cups hidden underneath work clothes and empty garbage bags that i bring into my car in hopes that they will magically pick up the trash so that i don’t have to. my car has a flat tire because i ran over a nail. my car plays music though… so that’s good.

i don’t watch grey’s anatomy. it doesn’t interest me at all. probably because the majority of the people who watch it, i hate, and they hate me in return.

these people might hate me because i made out with their boyfriend, or maybe they hate me because i mocked them to their face. but seriously. i can’t help it that i’m not as dumb as they are. someone hates me because i told her that i’d rather color than work, so she had to do my job. i was kidding. so now seriously? to hate me for that reason? you are just looking for reasons to hate me.

some people hate me because i turned their friend into the police. i hate me, because i dropped charges. some people hate me because i rolled my eyes when they said something retarded. i hate me because i say more retarded things than anyone.

i wish people didn’t offend so easy. i wish that i wasn’t offensive. when i was younger, i actually looked in the mirror and wished that i wasn’t so pretty, so that when people liked me, i knew that they actually liked ME. because, i guess, my personality sucks balls. i am not loveable. and i guess now i am conceded too, because i think i’m pretty.

more often then not, and i am saying this happens a lot, a guy that likes me, yells at me for making him like me. no one i know has ever liked me without questioning why he did. and then they yell at me, yes, they yell at me for making them like me. i guess i am some kind of con-artist. forcing innocent dick-thinking males to be attracted to me. seriously.

i am tired. i get tired of having to explain to people why i am insane. why i need counseling. why i like to dance and sing and twirl and smoke and drink and smile and kiss and stare and sleep and read and write and draw and eat and go to starbucks. i get tired of not being good enough for the only guy i care about, but being told by a hundred different people that they hate me because i think that i am too good for everyone. i am not good enough, yet too good. i get tired of my mood swings, and my clumsiness.

i am tired of being sorry.

for christmas i want the millions of presents that were promsed to me by the fortune teller. this fortune teller told me that my life was to be bigger than most. and to expect presents. i am selfish. i want my presents. i want to know that i am loved. because i love. i do. i love a few things a lot. and a love like mine is hard to give to everyone, because it’s big. and my mom used to tell me that i cared too much for things that didn’t matter. but then she told me that it was okay. that my love is okay, because it is mine. and that made me smile.

oh love. love is great. i say “i love you” a lot. but i don’t mean it. when i mean it, i don’t say it. you just know that it’s for you.

nobody’s laughing now. but you could always make me laugh outloud.

i don’t know who i am. not really, not yet. i don’t know what love is really. but i know that it exists. and i don’t know if meredith grey has anything to say about hating oneself. but i know that i do hate myself. only because thats my life. and i cop out of fixing it with that line. well, “it is my life.” i think with time, i will grow out of it. whatev. you never have to explain yourself to anyone. that is a code to live by.

i know that my life is great today. because i saw what it could be, and then i realized what it will be. and that is beautiful.

love is beautiful. and one day, i will know what it is.

sail on quick. fly past the world. find me a love.

’twas the night before christmas,
and all through my soul.
was a sociopathic
wreaking some havoc.
told him to go
and mess with some other
said no one would let him
so he wouldn’t bother
i let him wander
pushing my limits
til i had no more.
and everyone wondered.
why i couldn’t tell him to go.
he asked why i loved him
told him i didn’t
asked why i loved him
because there wasn’t another…

o christmas tree, o christmas tree.
you suck…

rudolph the red nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose
and if he drank more belvedeer,
you might even say it glowed.
he was the king of all the dipshits.
everest to the skanks and whores.
i might have loved him.
but that left some time ago…

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

i wish i had a river i could skate away on…

…………….
………………………..
……………………..

“Time casts a spell on you, but you wont forget me.
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me.

Ill begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin
Ill say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I dont wanna know
Oh, no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Really, I dont wanna know”

–fleetwood mac

it snowed.  merry christmas.
i miss the day when i was too young to shovel the snow.
though i don’t remember that day. i miss it just the same.
i think i was 3 when my mom put me in my snow suit and handed me a shovel.
“go help your dad” she said.
“okay” i would say as i cried. tears racing down my icy cheeks, falling in to moisten chapped lips.
and i would shovel. and i would feel alone.

i don’t like my mom right now.
“alyssa. dry your hair, put some clothes on, we have to shovel.”
“where is clara? where is dad?”
“not here. grab a shovel.”

this year with the 12 inches of snow that my driveway received, is also the first year my neighbor gets to spend without her husband.
and i wish my heart could go out to her.
but i don’t understand why it should.
life threw her a curveball.
whoopdie fucking do.
at 81, mr. ass crack of dawn lawn mower, and twice a week grass waterer was hit by an illegal alien as he was cruising on his harley.
is life fair? no.
but it was his time.

and as i shovel the snow.
the snow that depresses me.
that kills me.
that hurts my feelings.
i wonder why i am the only one shoveling her driveway.
why i feel alone.
and when she comes out the door and calls my 15 year old bunny loving sister over to give a twenty dollar bill, i hold back laughter as i watch my sister accept it with glee.
we do not accept money from elderly widows.
it’s not the way of the world.
silently i wish i could have taken the money from her and lied to the world.
i would have said, “thank you. this is more than i made yesterday at my dinner shift.”
but no. my mom returns the cash and i continue to shovel.
there is no kindness in my heart.
but an obligation to serve my neighbor.
she can not help that the prejudice in her didn’t take her life with her husbands.
she can not help that her husband was anti-gun, anti-war, anti-suicide. but pro waking up at 3 o’clock in the morning to shovel the snow before it actually piled to 12 inches.

suddenly something comes over me, and as i move some snow, i wonder why i would ever want the married excuse to move into a house.
why? so that i could shovel 20 times a year, and then grow children so that they could do it for me?
why would i want a husband only if he is going to die, and leave me with that house.
so that i have to pay my neighbors to shovel.
then swallow my pride when they return the cash back to me.

i want an apartment in the city.
or a yard made of sand.
and a husband that is good at things like:
sex,
ignoring me,
and football watching.
sounds like a fulfilling life.

i wish i could have a better heart.
a heart that gets pleasure from serving my alive neighbor because her dead husband will be pushing up daisies come this spring.
a heart that enjoys going with my friends and feeding homeless people a couple days before christmas.
i might tell you the idea of doing that, makes me cry and the act of doing it, makes me want to complain.
and i do.
and get yelled at for having no soul.
i have a soul.
not for the homeless.
not for africa.
sure i gave money to them for my church’s annual “giving beyond ourselves” drive.
sure i made sure everyone knew that i did.
“look see what i did! i am so good. i care about aids, and starving people and potbellies, and giraffes. i wear a one bracelet.”
i don’t care. i do. but no.
and i am a bad person. because i have no heart.
but i look like i do.
i look like i am grand.
i look like a give two shits for my neighbor, and those homeless people that i only judge for being homeless.
i look like like i give beyond myself. but i don’t.
what do i care for?
that is something that i think you should figure out on your own.
to tell you is cliche and stupid.
and as i finish up the last shovel full of snow.
and my mom lays down one more remark about how i am an alcoholic, smoker, bi-polar, skank.
i am glad that i could do this one thing for humanity.
that when my neighbor goes to sleep and wakes up one more time without the only life she has known sleeping besides her.
she will know that someone cares.
and me and her.
we aren’t so different.

we are both alone today.

christmas in chicago.
as if we still go down town.
and thats always how it goes.
losing what you’ve never found.
cheers to your life right now.
an open book for everyone.
maybe babe, someday with time.
what’s been started, will all be done.
i stare off into the street.
sitting here beneath the lights.
and my eyes would sting with tears.
but my soul is already numb tonight.

holding your starbucks cup.
green and red.
tis the season.
to be dead.
you’re frank sinatra.
ringing in my ears.
telling me it’s okay to love.
and bringing me to tears.
eat your fucking chocolate.
drink it up this new years.

you can hold me close.
and tell me it’s okay.
say the snow will be gone.
and we will all forget that day.
kiss me underneath the moon.
twirl me on the dance floor.
might as well be the mistletoe.
that took my hero at the door.
here’s a toast to us, alone.
drink it down with jack and sprite.
save me a kiss tonight.
you look so beautiful in the street light.

holding your starbucks cup.
coffee or tea?
tis the season.
to not be me.
you might be dean martin.
music to my ears.
telling me it’s okay to love.
and bringing me to tears.
drink your fucking cheap wine.
swallow it down this new years.

i might never be your girl.
but i am saying it’s okay.
there’s a lot more to my world.
and we wouldn’t make it anyway.