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“maybe in five or ten, yours and mine will meet again.  straighten this whole thing out. maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy- but this is the distance, and this is my gameface…   there’s really no way to reach me. i’m already gone.”
–the fray

the format broke up. i never got to see those boys in concert. i never got to appreciate them up close in personal. come to think of it, i haven’t gone to a concert in months. i need to do that. in 2006 i saw everyone from dave matthews to kelly clarkson to local to unheard of signed bands. last year i worked, smoked and trained for a marathon. i ran the marathon then started smoking again. cigarettes are interesting. i like them, but it ain’t so hard for me to go days without them. but then sometimes i just want one. i have it, i might have 20. then i swear them off.

my mom and sister, janey, are in germany. luckily for them, there is a starbucks within range of the convention center that they are volunteering at. i drove in the snow with my part time four wheel jeep drive to get starbucks today. it was exciting. it’s all i did. i called off work and got called off school. i am so bored. i need something to pre-occupy my mind. i’ve been crying all day. my stomach actually is in pain from convulsing. i don’t need to inform you of why i’m crying. but life sucks.

my mom just emailed my dad, and he is cracking up from something she just said. i love that. my parents don’t have a lot in common, but they make each other laugh so hard they cry. it’s beautiful. and if anything, laughter is really what holds them together, that and they are both conservative and like mitt romney. speaking of that, i forgot to vote. i was wasted until about four o’clock yesterday.

here is a list of my favorite albums of all time:

1. breaking benjamin: saturate
–back in my hard rock days, i might have listened to this cd on repeat for an entire year. i can still listen to it, sing every word, and not get tired. i’ve never been angry at someone for putting the cd in. it eases my mind.

2. matchbox twenty: yourself or someone like you
–probably the first cd i’ve ever loved. rob thomas can write about girl pain, the way no man can.

3. jason mraz: waiting for my rocket to come
–jason mraz might have the only voice ive ever labeled as “orgasmic”. his wordplay is incredible. his live cd’s and mr.a-z are great too, but there is so much simple depth to his first cd.

4. the format: interventions + lullabies
–trouble with life and relationships and figuring out how to live, gets easier everytime you hear this cd.

5. alanis morissette: jagged little pill
–a classic tale of hatred, hurting, and hangovers. i love it.

6. lovedrug: everything starts where it ends
–his voice is incredibly ridiculous. the lyrics are so deep and they send chills up your spine. to think someone could be saying everything you’ve ever thought, but through metaphors, not spelling it out.

7. breaking bejamin: phobia
–ben burnley’s vocals rival jason mraz for the orgasmic crown. not as hard as their previous two cd’s make this one easier to share with people who are turned off by the occasional screaming.

8. radiohead: the bends/ok computer
–hands down my two favorite radiohead cds. i took a vacation to california by myself and the only thing i listened to on the ipod were those cds. looking at the ocean, listening to high and dry. nice.

9. maroon 5: songs about jane
–if you want to cry, these songs will transfer your hurt into a giant “fuck you world.” it’s nice.

10a. the killers: hot fuss
–perfect blend of rock and dance that happens to steal your soul at the same time.

10b. wax on radio: exposition 2
–it’s tie between this and the killers. mikey has the most amazing voice that sounds even better live, great lyrics, interesting sound.

runner’s up:
the format: dog problems, dido: life for rent, matchbox 20: mad season, breaking benjamin: we are not alone/so cold ep, jason mraz: mr.a-z, lovedrug: pretend your alive, maroon 5: it won’t soon before long, coldplay: a rush of blood to the head, radiohead: amnesiac, david gray: white ladder, bush: goldenstate, evanescence: fallen, dave matthews band: entire library, oasis: (what’s the story) morning glory, snow patrol: final straw/eyes open…

that was fun…

and now for something completely different.

it’s strange that good people will end up alone, wandering and wondering what they did to deserve it. then rapists, and child molestors can get married and feel good about their suckiness.

a girl like me shouldn’t meet guys at bars, but nobody at church wants me. i’m walking down this middle road, and for some reason nobody’s walking towards me. maybe i gotta be extreme like everyone else, no one wants a wishy-washy girl that knows a lot about god and a lot about sex, drugs, rock and roll, and doesn’t necessarily care for either.

somehow he is capable of making me inflict pain on myself. it must be so easy for him. he doesn’t have to feel guilty. he lets me do this to myself.

“Its killing me to see you,
Just tie the rope
Oh and kick the chair
Just leave me hanging there,
Gasping for air
Yeah dont mind me three feet from the ceiling
You’d rather watch me drown,
Then see your hands get wet
You took the plot from stage to screen and turned it to
Epic scene
So whisper it once, tell me again
C’mon whisper it twice,
I cant stand to see my whole life flash before my eyes
When i’m with you, there’s
No point in breathing.
And I think I know
Why you never get too close
Its cause you’re too scared to
When im with you there’s no point in breathing.”

r.i.p. the format…

here i go again.
the sun will come out tomorrow.
cause tomorrow is another day.
the sunshine always rains harder on the lesser man.
so now we are a dying breed.
because the world drives us to insanity.
and then gives chocolate cake to the fat insignificants.
i’ve got something to tell you.
you deserve to know.
i’ve got to move on.
changes are good.
but i am afraid.
i want to take your good arm.
and wrap it around me like a blanket.
do you know what time it is?
time for you to get a life.
a real one.
eat a pound of fruit a day.
drink eight glasses of water.
get off your ass.
caffeine only lasts so long.
before it brings you down.
i remember when i loved you.
but i grew angry.
and dropped you.
like a tin can of hot water.
get up my lifeless unhappy fuck.
get up and kiss my mouth.
i can only see you naked.
cause thats all your good for.

i want to dance on a hardened lake of salt water hopelessly waiting for a man with rainbow eyes to take me to his imaginary life. beyond the yellow brick highway. make me his wife. and die. and i could steal all his fools gold.

if i did drugs maybe you’d understand me a little bit more.

we relate, you and i. we relate because we find pleasure in the notion that if we were the last two people on earth, we still wouldn’t deserve each other.

lets play safe in pretend.
pretend that we could be happy.
as long as we are not together.

here i go again.

when you use big words, you don’t sound smart. you sound pretentious.
when you smile i can see you are not really smiling. i’ve never actually seen you really smile.
your personality is a 10 and you are good at sex. but you are not attractive. it’s common knowledge.
you are beautiful and delicate. but your intellect is lacking and you’ve never made me laugh.
when you walk in all glazed over, i listen to your bullshit, but i feel bad for you that you are never there.
you are good for nothing but sex. not because it’s the truth, but because it’s all you offer yourself.
doing lines off someone’s car is not going to help you leave town. but it will add interest to your self-invoved mediocre life.
your laugh is obnoxious. because it’s only used to hurt the people around you. i know you use it to grab attention.
you are sweet. but you will end up married with ten kids, wondering what all that school was for.
i guess you were right, giving a guy blue balls will make him always remember you.
maybe if you’d stop worrying about whether or not your boyfriend loves you, you’d be happy with yourself.
you have beautiful hair. i know that you lie to yourself more than you’ve ever lied to me.
you are old and washed up with nothing to show but some sex with married men. no one is ever mean to you, because they feel bad for you.
you always think everyone is looking at you. sometimes we’re looking at the person sitting right next to you.

that’s probably why you hate me.

i am lazy and don’t finish anything a start.
that’s probably why i hate you.

for a week of my life i decided that i should write children stories. it was sure way to kill two birds with one stone. i could write and illustrate, thus making my mom happy that i was using my skills. this was a great idea until i remembered that i hated children.

well, i don’t really hate children. i just don’t like them a lot. always throwing their food at people. crying to eat, then crying because they want peas instead of carrots, then crying because they think its fun, and they’re bored.

this boy will touch me. then he blames it on the fact that he’s bored. i’m sure that he could preoccupy himself with something else. he doesn’t have to touch me. but like a little kid screams and kicks and wails for no reason- this boy exists.

i talk about love a lot. i dont really know what it is, and i think thats why i say it all the time. i enjoy thinking about it, like it’s some strange alien growing outside of the bubble that is my life, and i will never meet it. my boss called me “love obsessed” today. i might be.

i’m not in love. i love my dog. my parents sometimes. my sisters. especially my sister jane. i have a favorite sister. i love britney spears. i love clipping my toenails. i love singing songs that i know all the wrong words too. i love kissing. i love insane people. i love talking in my car. i love smiling. i love love. it’s true. i love the idea of love. i’m obsessed.

but i don’t think i could let myself ever “fall in love,” i don’t even think “falling for someone” exists. i think that “loving someone despite of how much they suck” exists. but falling head over heals doesn’t even make sense. sounds painful. sounds unnattractive. i don’t think that there is one person for anyone, but i do believe that finding someone to just stop the world with, is hard to find.

there’s romance in me. like the snow patrol song, “chasing cars”. i put it on this cd for a boy i liked, and he played it for his girlfriend. ouch. but i’m young. i bounce back. i still put my soul out there. i’m lactose intolerant and have cavities on all of my molars and i still ate ice cream today. i’m dangerous. danger is my middle name.

actually it’s christina. with a ch. christi-an. i mean na. my mom wanted me to love jesus. she also wanted me to use my skills. my drawing, writing, artistic skills. i guess this is for her. all this shit i write on the internet is for my mother. my crazy mom. like mother like daughter.

i hate litte kids.

you humored me today. calling me out- to humble me.
i was trying to hold myself up so that you wouldn’t crumble me.
i can’t get mad. so i grow weary.
i don’t get mad- only so you don’t hear me.
(i used to cry. use tears to get my way.
i used to let them see me. it was a game i liked to play.)

and i’ve got friends.
they hate you.
i’ve got plans.
they don’t include you.
but i love you.
like no one else does.
i just wish you knew me.
the way i was.

you tortured me today. holding out a picture of a brighter face.
you gained momentum to help you win this power race.
i blame my dad. he never loved me.
i blame my mom. she forgot to tell me.
(i used to smile. brighten up everyone’s day.
i used to dance in my room. til hours past my way.)

and i’ve got dreams.
they’re beautiful.
i’ve got reasons.
you never have to know.
but i love you.
like no one else does.
i just wish you knew me.
the way i was.

before he shamed me. it’s seemed to be an endless fall.
not his fault that i lost so much, but it was his call.
i blame him. for my troubled past.
i blame myself. that i let it last.
(i used to fly. on clouds of fairy dust and golden hay.
i read for hours. to get deep inside an older day.)

now your here.
walking tall.
obsessed with me.
and my shameless crawl.
i know you love me.
like no one else does.

i just wish you knew me.
the way i used to be.