Category Archive

“maybe in five or ten, yours and mine will meet again.  straighten this whole thing out. maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy- but this is the distance, and this is my gameface…   there’s really no way to reach me. i’m already gone.”
–the fray

the format broke up. i never got to see those boys in concert. i never got to appreciate them up close in personal. come to think of it, i haven’t gone to a concert in months. i need to do that. in 2006 i saw everyone from dave matthews to kelly clarkson to local to unheard of signed bands. last year i worked, smoked and trained for a marathon. i ran the marathon then started smoking again. cigarettes are interesting. i like them, but it ain’t so hard for me to go days without them. but then sometimes i just want one. i have it, i might have 20. then i swear them off.

my mom and sister, janey, are in germany. luckily for them, there is a starbucks within range of the convention center that they are volunteering at. i drove in the snow with my part time four wheel jeep drive to get starbucks today. it was exciting. it’s all i did. i called off work and got called off school. i am so bored. i need something to pre-occupy my mind. i’ve been crying all day. my stomach actually is in pain from convulsing. i don’t need to inform you of why i’m crying. but life sucks.

my mom just emailed my dad, and he is cracking up from something she just said. i love that. my parents don’t have a lot in common, but they make each other laugh so hard they cry. it’s beautiful. and if anything, laughter is really what holds them together, that and they are both conservative and like mitt romney. speaking of that, i forgot to vote. i was wasted until about four o’clock yesterday.

here is a list of my favorite albums of all time:

1. breaking benjamin: saturate
–back in my hard rock days, i might have listened to this cd on repeat for an entire year. i can still listen to it, sing every word, and not get tired. i’ve never been angry at someone for putting the cd in. it eases my mind.

2. matchbox twenty: yourself or someone like you
–probably the first cd i’ve ever loved. rob thomas can write about girl pain, the way no man can.

3. jason mraz: waiting for my rocket to come
–jason mraz might have the only voice ive ever labeled as “orgasmic”. his wordplay is incredible. his live cd’s and mr.a-z are great too, but there is so much simple depth to his first cd.

4. the format: interventions + lullabies
–trouble with life and relationships and figuring out how to live, gets easier everytime you hear this cd.

5. alanis morissette: jagged little pill
–a classic tale of hatred, hurting, and hangovers. i love it.

6. lovedrug: everything starts where it ends
–his voice is incredibly ridiculous. the lyrics are so deep and they send chills up your spine. to think someone could be saying everything you’ve ever thought, but through metaphors, not spelling it out.

7. breaking bejamin: phobia
–ben burnley’s vocals rival jason mraz for the orgasmic crown. not as hard as their previous two cd’s make this one easier to share with people who are turned off by the occasional screaming.

8. radiohead: the bends/ok computer
–hands down my two favorite radiohead cds. i took a vacation to california by myself and the only thing i listened to on the ipod were those cds. looking at the ocean, listening to high and dry. nice.

9. maroon 5: songs about jane
–if you want to cry, these songs will transfer your hurt into a giant “fuck you world.” it’s nice.

10a. the killers: hot fuss
–perfect blend of rock and dance that happens to steal your soul at the same time.

10b. wax on radio: exposition 2
–it’s tie between this and the killers. mikey has the most amazing voice that sounds even better live, great lyrics, interesting sound.

runner’s up:
the format: dog problems, dido: life for rent, matchbox 20: mad season, breaking benjamin: we are not alone/so cold ep, jason mraz: mr.a-z, lovedrug: pretend your alive, maroon 5: it won’t soon before long, coldplay: a rush of blood to the head, radiohead: amnesiac, david gray: white ladder, bush: goldenstate, evanescence: fallen, dave matthews band: entire library, oasis: (what’s the story) morning glory, snow patrol: final straw/eyes open…

that was fun…

and now for something completely different.

it’s strange that good people will end up alone, wandering and wondering what they did to deserve it. then rapists, and child molestors can get married and feel good about their suckiness.

a girl like me shouldn’t meet guys at bars, but nobody at church wants me. i’m walking down this middle road, and for some reason nobody’s walking towards me. maybe i gotta be extreme like everyone else, no one wants a wishy-washy girl that knows a lot about god and a lot about sex, drugs, rock and roll, and doesn’t necessarily care for either.

somehow he is capable of making me inflict pain on myself. it must be so easy for him. he doesn’t have to feel guilty. he lets me do this to myself.

“Its killing me to see you,
Just tie the rope
Oh and kick the chair
Just leave me hanging there,
Gasping for air
Yeah dont mind me three feet from the ceiling
You’d rather watch me drown,
Then see your hands get wet
You took the plot from stage to screen and turned it to
Epic scene
So whisper it once, tell me again
C’mon whisper it twice,
I cant stand to see my whole life flash before my eyes
When i’m with you, there’s
No point in breathing.
And I think I know
Why you never get too close
Its cause you’re too scared to
When im with you there’s no point in breathing.”

r.i.p. the format…

“you’re a fucking worthless piece of shit.”
“wow, for a second i almost forgot how good of a father you were.”

“i don’t give a shit. why don’t you just go fucking drink yourself to hell.”

“you drink. you don’t help around the house. you wake up late. oh but hey you drive the girls around. thats just great. your real good at contributing.”
“you don’t have to be so cruel.”

“it makes swearing so much worse when the only time your parents think it’s okay to swear is when they are yelling at you. so thats why i say fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck when i am happy.”

“i want you to leave now. move out”
“i can’t yet. i want to. but i can’t. “
“i don’t care. go move in with some of your stupid friends who allow you to drink.”
“fuck you.”
“WHAT?!!”

“i can’t believe you said that to her, mom.”
“oh don’t get mad at us honey. alyssa did it to herself.”

“maybe you are the rebel sister.”
“but i’m really not.”
“but you are. to them. compared.”

“never say ‘fuck you’ to your mother.”
“you said it to me dad.”
“i have NEVER said ‘fuck you’ to you.”
“oh yeah. sorry. i guess i’ve been mistaken. which one is worse dad. ‘fuck you’ or ‘you’re a fucking worthless piece of shit.’ i can’t figure it out.”

“don’t hit him.”
“he asked me too.”
“so you do? real smart.”
“i don’t give a fuck what you have to say about mine and my husbands relationship. you know nothing about it.”
“yeah, i don’t. and i don’t want to. but i want you to stop hitting him in the presence of my sisters.”
“oh no matt. maybe we should go do this someplace else, cause “alyssa” wants us too.”

“i don’t want a boyfriend.”
“you don’t know til you tried.”
“so i’ve heard before. it doesn’t matter though.”
“why not?”
“love doesnt exist.”

“i don’t want to be saved. thats no one’s place. i want to be in the situation to be able to save myself. but right now i’ve got nothing to hold on to. i’m falling. and i can’t see a place to land.”

“maybe our lives are just meant for God’s entertainment. you know, so that God can just watch us struggle, and laugh at our pain.”
“what?”
“i heard that in a movie somewhere. seemed legit.”

“it makes me so sad that you don’t even believe that love can exist. none of my children do. none of you wants kids or marriage. what happened to you?”
“no offense mom, but look at the example.”

“you gotta get out of there. you have to leave for yourself.”
“i know.”
“i guess the question you have to answer now is just how much do you really want to leave?”

“lets go to starbucks. lets drink the pain away.”

“i am not an alcoholic. i’m 21. and i’m cute. so bartenders give me free shots.”

“i would imagine that if i am an alcoholic because on some weekends i drink and get drunk. then we must all be. and either alcohol is going to have to not exist. or we are all going to die from the disease.”

“i’ve five dollars to my name.”
“thats pathetic.”
“you don’t have to say that.”

“i’ve got a thing going on in my head. i’d like to make out with as many random guys as i can before new years. i actually put a quota of 10 on it. i didn’t think i’d come close.”
“so what was he?”
“10.”
“it’s november.”
“yeah, it’s gonna be a fun two months.”

“why do you feel the need to kiss so many guys?”
“to make me feel numb maybe. maybe to use someone. maybe just to experience what i never got to in highschool.”
“so hows it going with all that?”
“well i’m pretty numb now. and i guess i didn’t miss that much in highschool.”

“well maybe one day i’ll actually just kiss someone that cares about me.  but i can’t bank on that ever happening.  so i’m doing what i got to do.”

“stop crying. you’re freaking out. why are you crying?”
“because you are cornering me in the bathroom and telling me that i am bi-polar.”
“you probably are alyssa.”
“maybe i’m just sad. why does no one ever think of this? but no. if i’m sad, cause my mother just yelled at me, i must be bi-polar. normal people don’t have emotions.”

“i don’t want you to feel bad for me. i kinda just want you to understand. don’t worry.  i’ll be fine.  i always am.”

so about 3 years ago dana and i sat down to watch “elephant” after hearing rave reviews about how good it was.

let me tell you what. it was shit. end of story.

many people have brought this problem up to me recently. they believe that the movie ‘elephant,’ was actually “good.” so i tell them that it just couldn’t possibly be. but when i inform them that it was, in fact, stupid. those trully artistic folk tell me that i am just unable to take it for what it is. you know, “great art.”

i just want to tell you a little story.

i’ve been an artist my whole life. i’ve studied art. painting, sculpture, photography, film, etc, etc, etc. i know what art is. i know why it is here. i understand a creative mind, because i have one.

senior year i had to write this paper on modern art. i found this guy, his name escapes me, but he actually defecated and called it art. one picture he painted with his semen, and when i say painted, i mean he rubbed it on the canvas so it looked like “semen rubbed on a canvas…” no, it did not look like a pretty picture of flowers or something…

he was an artist. such a good one that he even took a toilet, mounted it on a board, and called it his art.

elephant reminds me of this. it’s like gus van sant took his semen, rubbed it on a film strip, and then proceeded to take a shit on the entire thing, and call it art.

yes it is considered art. yes, i see it for what it is. it’s feces. crap. poop, if you will…

and oh what a genius thought…

but it’s still an overratted bowel movement.

i’m glad that you can all look inside yourselves, and with such genius minds and deep-thinking brainpower, are really able to see the beauty in someone else’s shit.