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somewhere there is thought. ground deep in your world. there is a thought my friend, deep in you. there is a thought that could save you. that could make you true. that could undo what your mouth has just conceived.  somewhere there is a thought.  and thought is me.

somewhere there is an idea. an idea of sorts. traveling long distances throughout your very short mind.  eventually the idea will reach it’s destination. the idea will find that somewhere, and stick.  and it will take back your words that you spoke too soon. and will favor the life that you gave up too soon. somewhere there is an idea. and the idea is me.

somewhere there is a passion.  a desire of heart.  if you could only feel, maybe it could grow. there is a passion in you, to take out your boat. to sail the ocean. to never give up on everything so soon.  abruptly you took, but to give of yourself? the passion is in there somewhere. but you are afraid to let it out.  somewhere there is a passion. and the passion is me.

somewhere i am crying. for a place that i can rest my head. somewhere i am mindless, because i don’t know what i’ve said. somewhere i’m going crazy, because you didn’t care. somewhere i am hoping, because life cant be fair. somewhere i am waiting, to see you again. somewhere i am fleeting, to the dreams of my friend. somewhere i am losing, the desires of your bed. but here i am living, just like you said.

and if this thought is not enough. i’m sorry, i’ve got nothing left to give.
 

…but i’ve fallen, i’m sorry.

a year ago, she was born from dust. forced to relive the moments as she’s hiding them away. trying to be strong under pressure, when there are those who oppose. trying to be great, when she didn’t feel great at all. and she was told, “congratulations.” “you did the right thing.” “i admire your courage.” and other awful things. and she said, “thank you.” and she said, “no thank you.” and she didn’t understand. all she knew was that she wanted to die. and that was her first battle cry.

kill me softly. i’ll inhale your smoke. pour me another one. i’ll drink that baby down. i’m not afraid of your death. i’m bored of your lies. and this is what i know to be true deep inside your cancer filled eyes: you are the wrong, but i’m not the right. we are running in the opposite directions– i guess we forgot how to fight. i wish i could remember how it felt to be safe. it’s too late.  there is no one to save me.

and she watched the ocean run over her feet. and felt the motion of the water taking her under. and she wondered. if it would save her.

and she watched the city lights burn outside at night. her eyes were blinded by the fire inside. and she gave up on her heart there. because she knew nothing would save her.

and she sat still. and contemplated her life. and found that somewhere the pain that she thought was still there. wasn’t only gone. but hadn’t been there for a lifetime. and only she could save her.

new york, la, chicago.  you know it’s all the same. there is no perfect place to run away.

because when you fall down and get up and run again– you must really want to win.

because when you fall down but get up and live again–

you must really want to live.

once upon a time…
there lived a girl bound to a tree.
she lived above very high.
and slept where the blue birds fly.
she was yellow and green with jealousy.
of all those who lived on the ground.
she painted red her face, so all could see.
that she was made to be found.
but they never took notice of the tree.
they never looked up to see.
that the map of the world, that was this girl.
was really meant to be.

and there was a squirrel.
with blind eyes and a broken tail.
who kept her company.
that got her mail.
and there she was alone.
and there she was at home.
just her and a friend that couldn’t see.
and all she wanted was to be free.
but this girl was bound to the tree.
forced to hide so no one could see.
by those who used the branches as shade.
and praised the day that the lord had made.

she was held to a standard of height.
she was sure to fall.
and she could fall down so hard.
if she wanted to, afterall.
but she stayed with the squirrel.
and danced in her place.
and wondered what life was like.
when people could see your face.

she was full of truth.
and she believed the lost could be found.
but no one was looking.
no one ever rose up from the ground.
when they looked up they saw only greenery.
when she looked down she imagined their world of scenery.
and she grew weary.
that one day she would leave.
and the world would be the same.
because no one knew her name.

“hold on. my dear, hold on.” said the squirrel.
“i got a love for you, that will change the world.
you are not better or worse then those on the ground.
you are different, but deserve to be found.
granted you are higher, with more view to your being.
but nothing is worth isolation from those who are seeing.”

“i’d love to believe, but i can’t go on.
they put me here, because my voice was strong.
now i am weak because no one hears the girl in the tree.
i am alone cause no one climbs the branches to see.
and i don’t believe in love anymore.
and i don’t want to live above anymore.
i want to be with them.
be exactly like them.
i want to run and play catch with their dogs.
i want to know what grows underneath the fog.
i want to be with a boy and kiss his face.
i want him to want me in his place.
and they say they hold me high.
but pretty soon i’m gonna die.
and never know a single being.
because they were all afraid to fly.”

and while wishes are dreams.
they don’t come true.
she was the only one.
to believe that they do.
and pretty soon this girl fell.
she hit the ground but couldn’t tell.
she ran away, and left the tree.
but soon realized, she wasn’t free.
she was bound by a dream that did not exist.
and found that the ground had much to resist.
this wasn’t so grand.
just mediocre and bland.
so she ran.
back to the tree, but couldn’t stand.
her home was no longer in the tree.
her home wasn’t on the ground, or to be free.
her home was only in her mind.

because no one told her that she was blind.

and not everyone can live happily ever after.

the last time i was alone. i was cold. the snow covered my car. and i didn’t want it. i dreamt that i was in heaven. and the angels song lifted me above such nonsense as earth. “i believe in you god. i believe that you love me.” then i woke up. walking to my place in line. so i could wait. “be here on time.” but i was. and i still wait. wait for what? for a hand to pull me under. to lift me up. then back again.

and i saw his face. and the face of a child. his child. she smiled at me with naive eyes. and it pained me to know that i had no right to save her. no right to talk to her. no right. even if i did. she wouldn’t have listened. she would never have believed. you cannot see what you do not want to.

lets hear it for love.

and someone thought they could pull me under. they thought it was their turn to make me feel the cold water on my skin as we fell under the waves. but i had to tell him, “we are so far from the coast.” but he said, “it looks like diamonds from here,” i smiled and laughed. as if i’ve never heard that one before. if you can’t take me, don’t tease me. and i turned around and went in a new way. he stood still. and fell to pieces. and i’d say sorry. but it was no one’s fault. just a misperception.

and then there was the man.  when i was little. he was not. when i was crying. he was not. and he watched over us all. straight and tall. and i felt so small. learning the stories of a jesus that loved me. and a god that cared. and the love i deserved was found in there. and trust me i knew. that this had to be true. cause my hope in this life. was deep and wide.

and my brother sang. the pretty kids are never mean. and they never hurt you and they never take you for what you were not. and they never make you sit, while they rise above. and i wonder. i wonder what miss perfect is doing now. and if she had found someone true to take her under. and lift her up. and back again.

maybe this time will be different. maybe moving on is moving away. and like he said, “you are a rose in spanish harlem. a beautiful light in a dark place. why oh why. do you stay here when you should find your place amongst the stars?”

and i saw his name. dry on my lips. nothing like water to quench my thirst. more like the sand that sucks the moisture out. and i believed he loved. but he never did. and i believed in a lie. a lie that i still believe to be true. otherwise i would not be thinking of it. i believed he could pull me under. and lift me up. and back again.  

it’s who we are. it’s what we do. we’ve come so far. still, this lie’s in you.

…Living just to find emotion.
Hiding, somewhere in the night.
Working hard to get my fill.
everybody wants a thrill.
Payin’ anything to roll the dice.
just one more time.
Some will win, some will lose.
Some were born to sing the blues.
Oh, the movie never ends.
It goes on and on.

I am only happy when there is nothing to do.
When the possibilities of this world seem endless.
And all thats here is me and you.
We have all the time in the world.
All the time to do whatever makes us come alive.
Even if what makes us come alive does not exist.

When you can dance and no one cares.
When you can fly and it’s not a dream.
When your fears are nothing new.
When you succeed.
And everyone is watching you.

Freedom is more than the lack of rules.
Freedom happens when you let life happen.
And let them think of you as fools.
When you don’t give up.
When you don’t look back.
Or too far ahead.
But you do what you have to do.
Whether or not anyone else agrees with you.

To be free is to be happy.
To be happy is to never give up.
To never give up is to not let worry interfere with who you are.
You are meant to be free.
Go figure.
I want to be there.