Category Archive

betty.
she is my neighbor.
she is old. she walks around in long, pink, shirt dresses, and has white hair.
out of all my neighbors, i know her the best. not because i talk to her, because i never do, but because i know that her name is betty.
she is sad.
lonely.
sad.
i wrote about her a year ago. she lost her husband and i felt bad for her.
i bet she feels like dying.
her friends are gone, her love is gone. this is her second christmas alone.
and she is old.
last year my mom made me shovel betty’s driveway. i guess, because i owed it to the world. because i am a sad, pathetic, trampy, alcoholic.
my mom’s version of community service.
i didn’t shovel her driveway this year. shoveling snow hurts my feelings. i’ve said that before.
but i did see her this morning after i came home from a night of drinking. she was getting her mail.
the mail man that get’s cookies from my mom every christmas, put mail in our mail box, walked in front of my car.
we waved.
then he proceeded to betty’s mail box and gave her the mail.
two seconds later, better was outside, in all her shirt dress glory, getting the mail.
as if that was all today had planned.
she waved at me and smiled. she doesn’t know my name.
but i waved back.
she would probably hate to know how bad i feel for her. but i can’t help it.
it makes me want to pick up a hobby.

why is everyone so eager to fall in love?

if it’s failing. it’s failed. don’t try to fix it. you will only get hurt.

i love you comes too soon. i love you means nothing. i love you is for your best friend. i love you is not for me.

i’ve never been able to look someone in the eyes and tell them, “i like you.” yet, somehow they all think it’s there. they all think that i am just afraid of letting go, and they will be the ones to save me. maybe i am afraid. but no one can save me.

i will never say, “i love you” if i don’t mean it. you can’t fake that shit. it’s rude.

so i say to them: please. move on. go on. stop trying. if i don’t try. you don’t have too either. if i say “lets be friends.” lets be friends. stop trying to change my mind. why are we so eager to read between the lines? my word is my word. even if it’s not true. i said it, so i obviously want to believe it. you should too. it’s rude to tell me i’m lying. it’s rude to tell someone 5000 times that they’re lying.

rule#547: never tell the girl you want to be with that she is lying. thats so fucking rude.

i’m sorry that i am not afraid of forfeiting the race- but i can’t help it, when i see the finish line and there’s nothing in it for me.

i was told today that i didn’t know what i wanted. i was told that i was unintelligent. i was told that my life was heading nowhere. i was told all this… then i ran away.

i’ve never ran so fast away from someone before. as if her words were knives that were attacking who i was forever going to be. i wanted her to know so badly that i am not a complete fuck up… but i was defenseless. everything i could tell her would never have made a dent in what she already felt she knew of me.

so i ran. literally ran to my car and drove away. she chased me, calling after me, “young lady.”

i’m afraid. not of my life, but of what you might have to say about my life. it makes me wonder what you see when you look at me: a hopeless mess. no future, because she has set no goals. no goals, because she is afraid of what it will mean when she fails.

i don’t really know what i want to say, because honestly i have nothing to say. you don’t know me. and that hurts my feelings for some reason.

who’s to say why it hurts… i leave my thoughts open ended, as if you are supposed to know what goes in the blank.

if i remember correctly.
i forgot everything about it.

and i’m holding onto a moment that doesn’t exist anymore.
and i’m dancing to a beat that isn’t there.
and i’m singing this lyric that was never written for me.
it was written for someone else.
someone who knew you a little bit better.
because i never knew you at all.

i give a song to everyone.
because we all walk the way of sound.
and i heard yours on the radio.
while i was lying on the ground.
if i told you it made me cry, would you believe me?
it i told you i forgot the words, would you care?
because i didn’t.
i remembered every hum and tone.
and i remembered what it felt like to be alone.
and i remembered what it sounded like when you were there.
and i felt the way it felt whenever you would stare.

i was so pretty in your presence,
and my smile was so bright.
but now my tears are so real.
and i found that we all give in to the night.

i did something to you.
so i don’t believe you.
when you tell yourself you forgot.
i don’t believe you.
when you say that it wasn’t me.
that you never wanted me.

i said i could see you the way you were.
you never doubted me.
i said i could stand by your side.
and you told me to move on.

i moved on. i didn’t wait. i was strong.

i did…
i’m sure of it.
except everytime i didn’t…
but i’ll make sure i never tell you that.

i think of you a lot.
but to tell you, would be weird.
so i pretend that i don’t care.
because this mentality is not built on broken hearts.
it’s built on fear.

it’s too late.
i lost.

you really didn’t care.

lets.

bring this one on again.

open your head to thoughts of this girl.

i wonder how long it would take us to walk around the world?

i think an eternity would flash by in a second, if i was with you.

because you were the only one i thought i knew.

and you might have guessed it.

we would have made it.

if you let it.

so today open your hands.

let go of life’s simple demands.

you got my number so bad and me so good.

you know, these are my hands reaching, hoping you would.

lets pretend for a time that everything happened for our destiny.

lets pretend you knew me better than i ever let on.

lets pretend that i love you.

lets.